Opposites Attract
by EvaHaven
Summary: Alex Cabot, the fierce, introspective ADA for the SVU and Olivia Benson, the passionate, sweet SVU detective. One beautiful blonde, one tough brunette. A realistic relationship between the two Law and Order SVU women whom everyone loves.
1. Chapter 1

So this is my obsessive montage, as true to the plot of Law and Order: SVU as I could make it. I'm somewhat addicted to Alex Cabot, played by Stephanie March, who is the love of my life, though she doesn't know who the hell I am. Ha. Well, enjoy this (as much as I enjoy Alex and Olivia :D)

Olivia Benson, SVU detective, was easily the most masculine female in the whole of NYPD. Maybe even the most masculine in New York, as Elliot would certainly agree with. Her hair was cropped boy short to keep it out of her face whilst on the job, her clothes were always loose and comfortable, and she never wore jewelry, except for the man's watch that encircled her wrist. She was tough, passionate, and emotional about the victims she saw every day that plagued her sleep. Anyone could tell you about Olivia Benson, except for maybe Finn.

Alexandra Cabot, ADA, was driven, beautiful, and commanding. She was well known for her perfectionism and her determination to have her way. Alex was as feminine as they come: blonde, slender, and always gorgeous, even beneath her button down shirts and formal clothes. Alex was no angel, but even though she was known as an ice princess in court, her cold exterior was the only way to keep her head out of water in a field dominated by men and older more experienced women. Alex never let her emotions show if she could help it, sticking to relationships based on the most superficial of terms. Despite this, she was much loved by the SVU detectives who worked with her.

When Alex was first introduced to the Special Victims Unit as their official Assistant District Attorney, she was positive she'd stick out amongst the well-seasoned detectives who'd seen more horrific things than she'd ever dreamed of. And while at first, she was wary and held back, eventually they accepted her for her. They began to share both the joys and the downfalls of their jobs with her, and listened sympathetically to boring stories from court. Before she knew, she really liked the detectives.

Especially Olivia. Though they had different ideas on how the system worked (Alex was a cold realist whilst Olivia sympathized the victim) the two had something, and Alex liked it. She didn't know how to become closer to Olivia, though, what with Elliot Stabler, her partner, always taking her out for coffee in between shifts and walking her home after work, and it wasn't really her place as new blood to impose a friendship on Olivia. But she felt a considerable pull to the strong, kick-ass detective who was as driven as Alex to find the answer.

Alex eventually got her courage up to talk to Olivia after a particularly grueling day in court. She'd spotted the whole entourage – Olivia, Elliot, Finn, Munch, and Cragen – in the back of the courtroom, nodding her on in encouragement, as she delivered her closing statement. The defendant, a serial rapist who Alex had prosecuted with three firsthand witnesses to his brutality and lack of regard for humanity on her side, was convicted after a stretched out trial. As Alex was shrugging into her long black coat, she caught a glimpse of Olivia out of the corner of her eye.

Ordinarily, Alex would have smiled quickly, looked down at the toes of her shoes, and shyly walked on. But today, filled with exhilaration at another win for the people, she halted at Olivia's desk.

"Hi," Alex said brightly. Olivia looked up swiftly to face Alex, and smiled.

"Hey, Alex," Olivia said warmly, gathering her things. "Congratulations on the trial; you did good today."

"Thanks." Alex shifted in her heels. "I was wondering – well, you're probably busy, but if not, I was wondering if you wanted to get something to eat."

"I'd love to," Olivia told her, slinging her bag around her shoulder. "Where to?"

This thought hadn't struck Alex yet. "Wherever you want to go. You'd probably know better than I do."

"All right," Olivia Benson answered. With a sweeping gesture, she motioned Alex ahead. "Lead the way, Ms. Cabot."

Alex blushed under the fall of her soft blonde hair where she thought Olivia couldn't see. She was wrong on that one, however…

…

"Thanks for coming with me." Alex paused, brushing back a loose strand of blonde hair. "I had a really good time tonight."

"Me too," Olivia agreed. "We should do this again."

"We should."

The two of them stood there slightly awkwardly for a moment, until Olivia leaned in to hug Alex. Alex's head rested against Olivia's neck for the briefest instant until the two parted.

"Goodnight, Alex."

"Goodnight, Olivia." Olivia slipped into her apartment with one last warm smile directed at Alex. Alex could feel her heart beating flutteringly against her ribs, dripping with happiness at the way she and Olivia had hit it off. It had been long since Alex had felt the kind of easiness she'd felt with Olivia. It felt good to have that kind of connection again with someone.

Alex was the kind of person who didn't really have a life outside of her job. Her friends were limited to fellow prosecutors and the detectives she worked alongside. She was introspective and quiet while she was around other people, and she knew she came off as cold and stuck up. But deep down, Alex was shy. When she took off her legal clothes and stepped off her soapbox, Alex was downright afraid.

Olivia had thoroughly enjoyed her evening with the quiet and inexplicable Alex. She'd always thought Alex wasn't ever going to be comfortable around SVU but it looked like the real Alex was slowly emerging. There was something elusive about Alex Cabot, and Olivia wanted to spend more time with the blonde beauty.

Both felt the strangest pull towards each other. It was as if each saw in each other what they lacked in themselves, a captivation so bright they couldn't bear to look away. Unknown to them both, this last look between the two was when they stole each other's hearts.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to everyone who reviewed this!!! I'm so grateful that I'm getting such feedback. All through school, I was thinking about what I wanted to have happen to our favorite blonde and Olivia, and I need some advice. If you want something specific (but sort of believable and true to the story) to happen in this fic, tell me in your review, and I'll try to incorporate your ideas. I promise to post as often as I can. I love you all 3

The night after Alex had taken Olivia to dinner, she could barely sleep. Instead, Alex leaned out of the open window of her sparse apartment and drank in the wild taste of the cold night air, the scent of Olivia. Her slender white legs dangled out the window from where she sat, several feet above the little balcony below. Alex sighed. It was a cold night, but she couldn't feel. She didn't know what to feel.

Alex couldn't really understand the ties she felt to Olivia. The female detective was daring, bold, and compassionate – everything Alex knew she would never be and could never be. Alex was fierce and a fighter in court, but that was one place where normal social rules didn't apply. Alex could say whatever she damn pleased and would be respected because of her position, but all guidelines fell apart when she tried to establish a real relationship with anyone.

Growing up, there were just a few friends who occupied the fray of Alex's life. She was quiet and came off as high and mighty to the rest of them, but Alex was just lonely. She was easily overlooked, and had no one, nothing to cling to. Her family revolved around money and influence, not love and connection.

It sounded a bit melodramatic to say, but Alex had gotten used to that truth a long time ago.

She checked the clock ticking aimlessly away at her bedside table. Damn. It was two in the morning and Alex couldn't find it in her to sleep.

Alex slid the window down and latched it. She stumbled to the cabinet and swallowed two sleeping pills she ordinarily saved for tricky cases, hoping they'd do the job. She needed to be on top of her game to receive a warrant for the arrest of a teenage boy without any hard evidence, and it was going to take all of her brain function to convince the judge.

Alexandra slid beneath her stark white sheets in an apartment that didn't look like it belonged to her. She ignored the emptiness that was all around her and drifted off uneasily, still holding onto her thoughts of Olivia.

…

"Alex?" Cragen's voice broke through the barrier to her dreamland and brought Alex back to reality.

She snapped out of it. "I'm sorry, Captain, what were you saying?"

Cragen obliged and repeated, "We now have a match on the DNA sample taken from the little girl's nails. Warner confirmed it; the perp's Derek Mathias. Alex, get a warrant for his arrest."

"Right," she nodded, a blush creeping to her cheeks along with her embarrassment. She turned and headed out to meet with the judge sitting on the case. As she walked briskly out the door, she caught a flash of tousled chocolate hair. Olivia.

"Hey," she greeted Alex, sipping coffee from her mug. "You okay?"

The corner of Alex's mouth cricked up. "Yeah. Just tired I guess. Are you coming to court now or…?" She trailed off, expectantly.

Olivia shook her head. "I was investigating a call made to the rape hotline, so I put in a few extra hours today. My shift ended a half an hour ago. I was helping Elliot with paperwork."

Alex nodded, feeling a little prick of jealousy. Elliot was a hell of a lucky guy to have Olivia around all the time. The one downside to being the ADA was that Alex was on her own, when it came down to it.

"Do you mind if I tag along?" Olivia asked her. "I need a break."

"Sure, absolutely. I'm leaving now; I'll give you a ride."

"Thanks." Olivia followed Alex out to her car, a little black Mercedes. "Nice ride."

Alex laughed. "It drives well. More than I can say for my last set of wheels."

Olivia slipped inside. Alex's car hinted a subtle whiff of peppermint, just like Alex's scent. A smile played on Olivia's lips as Alex drove quickly down each turn to court.

"Confident about this one?" Olivia asked finally, surveying the blonde's flawless face.

Alex shrugged. "I think you got the plug to the arrest warrant. We needed the match before persecuting properly."

"I have to hand it to Warner," Olivia pondered. "She spent nearly an hour picking the flakes of skin out of the Foster girl's fingernails, which was especially difficult postmortem."

A silence fell upon the two at the remembrance of the little girl's death. Alex opened her mouth, her lips parting.

"Does it ever get to you?" she asked Olivia, facing her while keeping her hands loosely on the wheel.

Olivia thought for a moment. "It used to," she admitted, brushing a hand through her short hair. "For me, it was like reliving the worst moments of my life sometimes." She recognized the ADA's confused expression, written across her slight face.

"You don't know, do you?" Olivia asked Alex, her voice soft. Alex shook her head, mystified.

"I'm the child of a rape," Olivia informed Alex, her expression indifferent. "It's what made me choose this field of work in the first place."

Alex was shell-shocked. Neither woman spoke for a moment, then Alex quietly said, "I'm so sorry, Olivia. I never knew."

The women were thrown into an awkward silence. Alex kept her eyes on the road, but shot glances at Olivia through the corner of her eye.

"Don't be." Olivia's familiar, easy-going look was back on her face. "We didn't know each other until this year, did we? I mean, you were just assigned ADA for our cases."

"I'm glad I was," Alex murmured softly. She felt Olivia's eyes search for her own, and Alex turned her head slightly and looked back. Olivia had never seen eyes so stunningly blue, like vast, unexplored waters that sparkled with light. Alex looked back at Olivia, her own eyes probing the detective's chiseled face. Both were quiet as they subconsciously shifted a little closer. Olivia didn't realize they were parked in front of the courthouse until Alex directed her gaze downward and unbuckled her seatbelt, slightly self-conscious.

Alex was a little thrown off guard by Olivia's intense look, and fumbled for her bag. She slung it over her thin shoulders and walked side by side with Olivia. The two walked perfectly in tandem, the thin, leggy, blonde ADA and the tall, muscular, beautiful detective. They didn't really talk; both threw their heads high and walked into the courthouse, away from the last dazzling rays of a sleeping sun.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm really excited about these reviews They are so helpful and I really love hearing feedback. I've decided to bring Elliot into this a bit more as the relationship progresses…this is still true to the law and order svu timeline, as far as I know, in terms of the relationship Alex and Olivia maintain while on the show. Outside of the show, however, I'll let my imagination wander…and wander…and wander ;)

Alex looked up from the case she was reviewing at her desk at the precinct to Olivia storming into the room, her expression dangerous.

"Why are we discounting the wood fragments we found embedded in the boots at Raines' apartment?" Olivia demanded, her arms crossed resolutely. "He verbally consented to allowing us on the premises; it was fair game."

Alex sighed and took the pencil from its niche between her ear and the strand of blond hair tucked around it. "It was inconclusive. We still haven't located a murder weapon, so Warner can't match the fracture patterns to that. Regardless, it's irrelevant. We need to focus on the stronger pieces of evidence."

It'd been two weeks since the day in front of the courthouse, and Alex and Olivia were already fast friends. The intimacy between the two, however, came with the realization that neither woman was entirely compatible with the other. The friction was as consistent and predictable as popcorn in a kettle. One day, the two would be out to dinner with the squad, the next, arguing like cats and dogs.

"We don't have much of a case without it, Alex. Without the fragments, there's no way to tie him to the Cruz girl's murder."

"Look, to be perfectly honest, this isn't a case I can prosecute. Until you find me the murder weapon or a DNA match, the case is null."

"Until you get us a legitimate warrant to legally search the entire apartment with or without his consent, the case is null regardless," Olivia shot back, stalking angrily away from Alex to her own desk.

Alex's slim shoulders slumped in her seat in defeat. She and Olivia were alike in some ways, and their stubbornness was noticeable by the entire SVU.

It was a sign of strength in their friendship that when the day was over, Olivia could approach Alex's desk and ask her if she wanted a walk.

"Of course," Alex answered her. "Let me grab my coat; it's freezing out."

They walked in silence down the darkening sidewalk, Alex childishly avoiding every crack she laid her eyes upon. They were quiet for a minute, until Alex spoke hesitantly.

"I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the ass sometimes. I know it's hard to like me when I'm being…an ADA."

"Alex, you definitely aren't a pain in the ass," Olivia assured her. "You're hardheaded, independent, and quite honestly, the most confident person I've met in my life. It's not at all hard to like you."

"Thanks," Alex mumbled, embarrassed by the compliment. "You too, Liv."

They both continued on down the sidewalk, in the comfortable sort of silence that good friends can have, appreciating each other's company. Olivia gazed sideways at Alex, a piece of her flawless blonde hair whipping across her cheek. The image of Alex's face framed by the purpled night sky struck Olivia, who kept her eyes on Alex even as the blonde turned to her.

"What?" Alex asked jokingly, a sweet smile dancing across her fine lips. Olivia shook her head, clearing her thoughts.

"Nothing, Miss Cabot, why do you ask?" she played along. Alex could taste Olivia's words on her own breath; they were standing quite close. Both were silently and discreetly probing each other's face in a millisecond. The sweet scent of peppermint found its way to Olivia.

And in the cold of the night, Alex came to a realization that was both shocking and mind-blowing.

She wanted to kiss Olivia. She wanted to kiss her badly.

…

It was another one of those nights alone to mull over the thoughts weaving and dipping through her head. Alex lay on her stomach, legs crossed in the air, her hair streaming across the pillow.

That night was both unexpected and awaited. Alex had always wanted to find someone she fell for, someone who was sweet and intuitive and captivating. There had never been anyone who meant more than a friend to Alex. She'd dreamed of someone like that for herself. But never in her wildest fantasies had Alexandra Cabot expected that someone to be another woman.

She'd never been the type of girl who chased boys in the playground in kindergarten, or the girl who lavishly brushed colors with foreign names across her face in an attempt to attract attention. Alex kept it natural; you got what you got, and that included the full package.

This attraction to Olivia was understandable. She was the first real friend Alex could confide in, who she could trust and talk to when it all came apart. But a) they barely knew each other, despite the long hours they constantly spent in each other's company and b) Alex was not gay. She couldn't be. A woman in her twenties could not suddenly discover she was gay.

It would explain a lot, however. Why Alex never fit in. Why she drifted from clique to clique, never really fitting in anywhere.

Maybe she wasn't born for this world. Alex had never met another one just like her who was as quiet, sensitive, and reflective as herself. No one could possibly be the matching component to Alexandra Cabot. She would never find someone who represented what she loved in herself, and what she wished she had.

But she had. Olivia.

Alex rolled to her back; slipping out of her tight, uncomfortably suit jacket and formal skirt, into a soft pair of cotton trousers and a camisole. She slid in between her cool sheets and fingered a lock of soft hair. She tried to convince herself (unsuccessfully, of course) that it would all seem better in the morning.

She would deny it, and it would go away. This wasn't her problem to deal with.

Please, let it go away?


	4. Chapter 4

Well, here we go. The whole plotline is really taking a spin in the direction I want it to. Now, since it's Christmas Eve (for me, at least) I hope to make this one a real treat, but we're not quite there yet…maybe as my Christmas present to you all tomorrow…Just a little bit of a spoiler, sorry!! This new installment will focus more on Olivia and Elliot, delving a bit into that. But I promise, we're nearing THE BIG ONE where, of course Alex and Olivia have their moment *squeals* I know, I'm as excited as you are. I think we'll get there tomorrow…

The next day, at the precinct, Olivia checked in early to see if Warner had gotten any DNA off of the sevidence, and to begin filing the paperwork collecting on her normally tidy desk. She was in a deliciously good mood, especially after her night with Alex.

The blonde had seemed vulnerable; her pain had been palpable. All Olivia wanted to do was to take Alex in her arms and reassure her it was okay, that she was going to be all right. But she wasn't sure how acceptable it was for two friends who barely knew each other to have that sort of physical closeness, and she had a feeling it would scare Alex off even more.

Olivia didn't know what she thought of Alex. Sometimes, it seemed as if they'd been best friends for ages, at others, there seemed to be something more. As a woman who'd never had relationships except on the most seeming of terms, Olivia didn't know what the blonde ADA wanted. Olivia didn't know what she wanted; let alone what Alex's intentions were.

Growing up as the child of a rape had lead to Olivia appear tougher to the world around her. She'd always worn loose cargos and shirts and had shorn her hair to a three inch ruffled look for efficiency on the job. Olivia knew the influence of alcohol, and the death of her mother had only exemplified it even more. She was the daughter of a victim, and that made her even stronger.

Appearing much more masculine had brought on an onslaught of homophobic words uttered at Olivia during her adolescence. She'd avoided thinking about what it meant because, what if, after all, she was gay? Olivia had less than nothing against homosexuality, as it went with her occupation, but it was an entirely different scenario if it were Olivia who was gay.

This infatuation with Alex was probably just curiosity. And there was no way she'd expect the flawless blonde to be anything but straight. She most likely had a daily bombardment of men at her beck and call, ready to go on the latest dinner date, spending more on the tab than Olivia would spend on groceries for a month.

Elliot walked in, running a palm over his shaven head. "Liv," he greeted Olivia, who looked up from her desk and smiling at him.

"Hi. Any news from the MEO?" she inquired, rising to her feet.

"Warner's found blood impregnated deep in the splinters; she assumes it was absorbed by the blow to the skull. We're looking for a DNA match for Lucy Cruz, then we got the perp."

"Raines," Olivia nodded. So they had more of a handle on the case then they'd thought. "Alex will be pleased. Now she has a case."

"I didn't think anything could please Cabot," Elliot smirked. "Even when we bring her a decent case, she'll find something wrong with it."

Olivia frowned. "She's just doing her job, El. Prosecuting cases like ours isn't easy, and she needs to cover all her bases."

"I know, but that doesn't give her the right to walk around with her head held high just because she's got money. She's icy." Elliot shrugged.

At that exact moment, Alex walked in. Olivia could tell from her expression that she'd heard more than enough.

"I was checking to see if we have the match," Alex stated, her voice unreadable. Her face was impassive as she regarded Elliot. "Is there a problem, detective?"

"None," Elliot told Alex, his voice spiteful, his eyebrows raised.

"Good," she said fiercely, turning on her heel and marching away. Olivia shot Elliot an irritated look.

"What?" he asked her. "I don't get why you like her so much. She's just another ADA. Don't get attached."

"I'm not," Olivia told him hotly, hunting down Alex, who was back at her desk, looking down.

Alex looked up from under her fine lashes to see Olivia peering down at her. "I'm sorry," Olivia apologized. "El's just…having a bad day."

"I get it," Alex said softly. "Look, it's not his fault. I know he doesn't like me."

"No, it's not that," Olivia reassured her. "He's just not used to being told what to do. Elliot reacts to everything he sees around him, but he never stops to listen." She chuckled quietly. "I guess he's a little like me."

Alex felt her throat tighten when she heard Olivia's endearing tone as she spoke of her partner. So she was right when she'd assumed Olivia and Elliot had a thing going on. Fin and Munch had guessed right again.

"It's okay, I understand." Alex's voice was brisk and all business again. "I've got work to do, sorry."

Olivia nodded and strode away, thumbs hooked in her loose front pockets, to talk to Warner at the MEO. Alex watched her retreating back with desire perpetrating her gaze; she wanted to call Olivia back to her and…

And what? Alex had to keep her boundaries straight. There was no way she'd ever be more than a friend from work to Olivia.

Alex wanted to mean something to Olivia. She wanted to make Olivia laugh, to be the cause of the beatific smile that graced Olivia's curved lips. This enthrallment with Olivia was taking over her thoughts, and she desired nothing more than to do something other than fantasize.

Never in Alex's wildest dreams would she be so daring as to pursue Olivia. But her love or lust, whatever it was, had a feeling so captivating that she was drawn in. It was like being sucked into a black hole; you could feel yourself being consumed, but there was nothing you could do to stop it.

Alex crossed her long legs, leaning back slightly in her chair, allowing her loose ripples of hair to fall freely down her shoulders. She couldn't focus on anything but Olivia, whom she watched intently out of the corner of her eye.

There was nothing Alex could do but to wait. She was so overcome with a longing that couldn't be satisfied. Alexandra Cabot knew in her heart that she'd fallen, and she'd fallen hard, for Olivia. And that was how her story really began. It was undeniable.


	5. Chapter 5

Help! Does anybody have a link to all of the Law and Order SVU episodes in full that I can get for free??? Just wondering…So I'm taking a poll. From the time where Alex and Olivia depart in the episode "Loss" when Alex goes into the witness protection program, should I do a flash-forward in time so I don't have to drag you through three years of them being apart? Or should I emphasize the hardships of being alone without each other? It's your guys' choice; I need input. But that's a very long time from now…Merry Christmas, and I hope you like this one :D

Being around someone you loved desperately was an inexplicable feeling for Alex. She'd gone from shy to bold and daring to shy around Olivia in hardly any time at all. Whenever Olivia would approach Alex, be it for a talk or a heated argument, Alex was more held back and self restrained than she ever was. Their fights incorporated only half of the vigor they once were seeping with, and Olivia was concerned.

Normally, it was a sign of mental sanity for anyone to stop being ridiculously argumentative. But for Alex Cabot, it was a sign of insanity. The ADA was always searching for the last tiny detail she could divulge from her detectives, provoking them to the point where they'd want to kill her, despite how much they all loved her (well, all of them minus Elliot). Seeing Alex as reasonable, impassive, and empty on the job, let alone in her personal life, was disconcerting and confusing to Olivia.

"Are you okay?" Olivia's voice bore singsong echoes in the emptiness of the station.

Alex jumped a little in her seat. She'd been conscientiously sorting through reports that had been piled on her desk for far too long, and had barely registered Olivia striding in.

"Yeah, you?" Alex asked hurriedly, avoiding Olivia's penetrating gaze. Her efforts were in vain, however, when Olivia placed a hand on Alex's shoulder, her fingers both gripping and pushing away in the same gesture.

"Alex, you can tell me. Whatever it is, it's not like it will change anything." When she said the words so sweetly, it was hard not to believe her.

But it will, was what Alex wanted to say. You don't know, you don't love me the way I love you. Because if you did, you'd know how hard this is for me.

Alex looked back at Olivia, her gaze leached with the hurt and desire she felt. Fearful as she was, Alex told Olivia, "Nothing. It's…nothing."

Alex's cool façade was demolished in the moment that it took for her to see the concern permeating Olivia's eyes. Olivia couldn't stand to see Alex like this, cool, calm, and collected Alex on the verge of shattering into a million shards of glass that were irreplaceable.

The two were just standing there, the only two left in the office. It was hard for Alex to breathe; she felt such a captivation to Olivia, to lean over, to kiss her there and then. It took all of the self control she could muster to stop herself.

"Alex, please just tell me. I promise, it's going to be okay."

She was losing her composure. The confident, self-commanding face she wore every day was tearing itself apart by the minute. Before she knew what was happening, a cold tear slipped silently down Alex's cheek, as equivocal as she. It was the first time she'd let herself cry in front of anyone, ever. It was the first time she'd cried since she was a child.

Alex felt vulnerable standing there in front of Olivia. "I can't," she managed to choke out. "I can't do this."

"What, Alex? What can't you do?" Olivia asked her, rubbing Alex's shoulder. Alex registered that as scared and confused as she was, she loved the way Olivia's hand felt. It only made her feel more ashamed.

"I love you," Alex confessed quietly. She immediately took a step back from Olivia, testing the waters she'd shaken storms upon. Olivia's face was unreadable, but she didn't move away as Alex had thought she would have.

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered, breaking away from Olivia and reaching for her leather messenger bag. She headed quickly for the door. There she paused, judging.

"Olivia?" Alex asked tentatively.

"What, Alex? What is it?" Olivia's voice was still gentle as ever, constantly a beacon in Alex's storms.

"We can forget it," Alex assured her quietly. "It's my fault."

"No, it isn't," Olivia responded, just as softly. "And why would I ever want to forget?"

Her last words stunned Alex, who'd been expecting Olivia to be as willing to brush aside Alex's impulsive confession as she was herself.

"Goodnight, Alex." Olivia strode out the door, and disappeared in a breath. So Alex was the one left standing there.

Too much had happened too soon. It was all coming to Alex just then how crazy it was of her to be so cold, so closed off. But Olivia was right, they couldn't deny Alex's words and more significantly, the meaning behind them. They were in too deep now, and there was no way out except for through.

Alex had always been the one in control, be it in her passive relationships with just about anyone or in her job persecuting sex offenders. She was always the one with the upper hand, the trump card to put a finale to a deal.

Yet so was Olivia in her own way. She hadn't bent to Alex's honesty; instead, she'd accepted her words and carried on.

Perhaps there was an equal to Alexandra Cabot, after all.

What would happen now? Were she and Olivia friends, still, or had Alex broken them apart with three little words that meant the most? She didn't know, she didn't feel. All there was for her was numbness that was as empty and unfeeling as the night that she was surrounded with.

As cold as she felt, Alex had everything. She came from money, she had enough attraction to her to pass, and she knew she was intelligent. The only thing she lacked was love. Love of any sort. For the first time in her life, Alex wanted to love. And for the first time in her life, Alex wanted to be loved.


	6. Chapter 6

I hope you liked last night's update. I'm not sure if Alex did as well, since her character has been dealing with so much controversy and self conflict. I think she and Olivia will try to be friends as best they can, and then, one night, they will both act on their feelings. Sound good? Hopefully it'll be very relieving and happy, but then I have to incorporate Alex's disappearance. I don't want Alex to leave my plotline, but I know I have to stay true to the story. But for now, enjoy the story of a beautiful girl.

The hot water felt luxurious against Alex's back, coursing down her bare skin. She'd barely walked in the door after her encounter with Olivia before dissolving into a huddle of tears on the floor. She'd numbly stripped off her clothes and stepped into the shower, feeling her fingers slither through her fine blonde hair. Water streamed down her back, rinsing away all of the emotions she'd obsessed over so painfully until she ached with loss and longing. When the water ran cold, Alex wrapped a soft cream towel around herself and curled into a tight ball on her bed, unsure if the water streaming down her face was from her tousled hair or her tears.

Likewise, Olivia lay on the couch, inactively watching the electric tones of the television shift, color to color. When she couldn't bear it any longer, Olivia silenced the television and lay backwards on her bed, shifting to her side. She couldn't face each painful recollection of the night's ordeal. She wondered if Alex felt exactly the same way.

Alex didn't know how long she'd laid unmoving on her bed, but she roused herself to get a glass of water from the bathroom tap. In the bluish light of three am, Alex's face looked ghostly and hollowed. Her blonde hair fell loosely in waves, and her eyes glowed eerily, two sapphires in the darkness. She pressed two fingers to the contours of her cheek. She pictured Olivia's finger repeating that same motion.

What did it mean that she'd fallen for Olivia? Alex had never felt those things for anyone, let alone a woman. Or maybe she'd have loved Olivia whether she was a woman or a man. Either way, she'd dashed all hopes of having anything ever. Olivia probably thought she was inept for mentioning it, for saying anything that put their friendship in jeopardy.

Olivia had said she didn't want to forget, though. Did she mean she would hold it against Alex forever, or did she mean she felt…? It was too difficult to discern anything from Olivia's pure ambiguity. Alex cupped her hands under the faucet and sipped thirstily from the water pooled in them.

Olivia ran her fingers through her messy locks and stared at the clock. It was already three am, and if she didn't get sleep soon, she was going to crash at work, and Elliot would give her his look of concern, then his look of annoyance shortly after.

God, she'd screwed things up with Alex today. Finally, finally the impassive and striking blonde had the guts to tell Olivia a personal truth, and Olivia had no words of comfort to console her with. All Olivia could think was 'why?' and she had a feeling Alex wouldn't divulge such details with her without some acknowledgement that Olivia didn't hate her.

Alex must've thought Olivia hated her. That was a total impossibility. Olivia cared for Alex much more than she'd cared for anyone in practically forever. The only close relationship she had was with Elliot, but when your partner was the one to save your ass from the brink of death, you'd be naturally close. Alex was an improbability that daunted Olivia that made her want to know everything about her.

Olivia knew she was attracted to Alex, but the idea of pursuing a relationship with her sounded inconceivable. It would be too intense and too hard, not to mention completely and fully unprofessional.

Yet still, Olivia couldn't hide the fact that she wondered, she dreamed.

Alex rubbed her eyes, trying to focus the blurriness that passed as vision. She peered at the clock. It was six. It was time to get up and get dressed for work, despite the fact that she'd barely gotten any sleep and needed to collapse back into bed and drown in the sheets.

Alex combed out the silky strands of hair until they hung loosely down her shoulders. She buttoned a tight white blouse to her collarbone and pulled up her favorite charcoal gray skirt. She decided not to bother with much makeup, just a swipe of pale lavender shadow across her eyelids and a touch of mascara to her eyelashes and she was secure enough to go to work.

The precinct was relatively quiet; Alex only saw Don Cragen as she entered, mumbling a quick hello and a slight smile. After setting her bag down, Alex headed to her mailbox to get an update on any new cases she needed to present and looked right into a pair of warm fathomless eyes.

Olivia gazed back into Alex's startled blue eyes. "Alex," she greeted. "Are you okay?"

Alex nodded, finding the resolve to speak. "Yeah. Um, I'm fine now."

Olivia started to speak, but halted her words when Alex began at the same time. "About last night," Alex started. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"Alex, it's all right. If you want to, we can just forget it. Okay?"

Alex swallowed hard, situating a smile on her face. "Yeah. Absolutely."

They both stood awkwardly for a moment before Olivia moved on to Cragen's office, shutting the door quietly behind her.

For all of Alex's bravado, her composure, she was breaking apart far too fragilely. She felt exposed and completely disgusted with herself for being so scared of simply facing the love she felt. It was too great and she didn't deserve it. Yet the desire and want she felt for Olivia was pure and constant, and Alex didn't want to let go. She wished she had the will to act on it, or the resolve to ignore it. Of course, she was stuck with neither.

fighting and screaming begin the deep breathing  
but you know i can't live without you  
hearts have been broken and we have all spoken  
we felt love and pain too

~November Blessing "Storms"


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry for not posting last night!!! I'm in New Hampshire and was visiting...I'm still here right now, taking time off from my vacation to obsess with you lovely people over Alex and Olivia. Not that I'm complaining – I'm just as addicted as you! I printed out hundreds of pages of other writer's fanfics just to tide me over...Well, I hope this update will set the stage for a very important moment...All of this emotional leading up is going somewhere, I promise. I hope you guys aren't getting bored. By the way, I'm trying to get up to 100 reviews. So your comments are very appreciated :) Comments, questions, suggestions – all our welcome, my lovely fans.

Munch walked into the precinct bearing coffee for Fin and himself and became witness to an odd sight – a striking blonde ADA scanning the floor of the bullpen.

"Alex," Munch greeted, smirking slightly as she turned quickly as if caught guilty.

"John," Alex responded, rising to her full height, heels and all. "I was just – I lost an earring." She subconsciously touched a finger beneath her hair.

"Good luck finding it what with all of Fin's lying around," Munch quipped, taking a long swig of coffee. "I swear, he goes through hoops faster than I go through expresso." He patted Alex's shoulder as he headed for his desk, and Alex smiled to herself.

"Munch, Cabot," Elliot nodded his hellos, tossing his coat and gloves to his desk. "God, it's freezing out there. Hard to believe it's September."

"You're all sissies." Fin's presence overcame the the precinct as he entered the precinct. He dumped his leather jacket on the desk and buckled his gun belt. "It's forty plus degrees. Man up."

"I love you, too," Munch smiled brightly at his partner and was granted a low grumble from Fin. Elliot chuckled, then a thought occurred to him.

"Hey, anyone seen Liv?" he asked, looking around. "She was supposed to be in early today, to go over the Martinez kid's testimonial, you know, the one we picked up in Chelsea. She's never late."

Alex raised her head at the mention of Olivia. She picked up on this thread of conversation, and halfheartedly continued searching for her missing earring. She was still tuned in, though.

"Ten bucks she got laid last night," Fin wagered wisely. Elliot snorted.

"Olivia? Are we talking about the same Olivia?"

Alex smiled in spite of herself. Elliot could be an ass, but he had a point there. The Olivia they all knew wasn't the type to randomly go out and hook up with someone. Then again, Alex had proven she didn't know much about what Olivia's type was. She'd done a fairly thorough job of that.

"I'm assuming that means me." The detectives and Alex all turned to see a tired but otherwise perfectly fine Olivia. She ran a hand through her short hair, ruffling it gently.

"Hot date last night?" Fin asked, his eyes begging her to answer yes despite the truth.

"More like I forgot to set my alarm last night. Why? You betting on me again?"

Fin snapped his fingers in mock disappointment.

"Ten, right here," Munch demanded, gesturing to his pocket.

"Technically, no one took my offer. It's moot," Fin argued. "Alex, you're an attorney. I'm right, yeah?"

Alex grinned. "Irrelevant. Legally, you're under obligation to fulfill the terms of your wager." She winked at Munch, securing his pocket money.

Munch waggled his eyebrows, insinuatingly. "Pay up."

"Bull," Fin told Alex, his eyes twinkling defiance. Regardless, he slipped the bill into Munch's pocket.

"That hardly covers your tab from last night," Munch protested, mocking his partner.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll make up for it tonight. Let's go, goon." Fin cuffed Munch playfully across the shoulder. "We're gonna bounce. Perp from last night's robbery of a convenience store downtown might be related to the attack on Sonia Harding. See you all later."

"And we need to go through files we found on the Martinez kid. Come on, Liv," Elliot told her, sitting far back in his chair and beginning to read through the first stack. Olivia followed him, queasy already at the thought of the day ahead of her.

Olivia sat at her desk, barely able to hold a pen in place. It was just her luck that on the one day she needed a good car chase, she was stuck filling out ridiculous paperwork with Elliot. Not that she minded it ordinarily, but she needed to wake up.

She glanced up to catch Alex quickly turn away. Caught. A smile paused on the brink of her lips. No more games. She had to give Alex her space. Though that didn't stop her from approaching the blonde and requesting a warrant.

"Alex," Olivia called. The ADA turned to her, heading over. "Yeah?"

"We need a warrant for records of Tony Martinez from his time in a juvenile delinquent facility. We've got him on assault, verbally abusing his girlfriend, and assaulting an officer. He's down."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay. You got it."

"Excellent."

Alex allowed her tone to venture into the easiness of their friendship. "Listen, we should do something this week. I'm going crazy in my apartment; I need an excuse to get out." She hoped for a yes.

Olivia smiled sympathetically. "You work too hard. Okay, I'm free this Friday. Call me."

"Of course." Alex walked away slowly, pleased to have regained some of her composure she'd lost when she'd told Olivia she cared about her.

Likewise, Olivia watched the extraordinary blonde vanish as she left for court. "God, I love that woman," she whispered to herself. As she went to get up and tell Cragen she had Martinez's records in the clear, her foot brushed something small on the ground. At first glance, it appeared to be a half of a heart diamond earring. Alex's. But when she picked it up, she saw that it was a teardrop.

To Olivia, it seemed strangely appropriate.


	8. Chapter 8

All right, guys. Here it is – THE BIG ONE!!!! Yes, we've finally reached the point you've all been waiting for. Though I hope this isn't too soon (or too late) I think it's a turning point that is necessary before we all shed tears for my "Loss" posting. Save your tears for later, though, kick back, relax, and enjoy this scene. I'm sure Alex would want you to ;)

The cold wash of moonlight was dim in comparison to the glow radiating from Alex's inviting face. "It's beautiful here," she whispered in awe, walking with her face tilted to the sky.

Olivia couldn't hold back her amusement at the blonde's preoccupation. "It's called the sky, Alex. Ever heard of it?"

"Sorry." Alex blushed fairly, pulling back a glistening strand of blond hair. The two were taking a detour, walking back from a little bar they'd toured after they got off from work that evening. Alex hadn't done much walking around the city (and she hadn't the need, what with her sleek new Mercedes), so Olivia had been given the pleasure of escorting the blonde to her apartment.

"It's just so…belittling, looking at the stars, you know?" Alex sighed softly. "I wish I could make that much of a mark."

It was strange to get to see this side of Alex Cabot. Olivia was so used to the levelheaded, poised, snow-white queen who domineered the courtroom that she forgot that Alex was, in spite of the perfection she emanated, human. It was oddly comforting to reflect upon.

"Trust me, you've made one hell of a mark on all of us," Olivia teased. "Munch has never had someone who actually listens to his conspiracy theories. You have no idea how grateful Fin is."

"I wonder why…" Alex trailed off, laughing. "Seriously, though. You make an impact on people. You're out there saving lives, preventing violence. You get to go home at night and feel good about what you do." She paused, digging her hands deeper into the recesses of her coat pockets. "I'm kind of jealous," she admitted.

"Well, without you, we wouldn't save anyone. You're the one to close the deal. The perps would still be out there, just as always," Olivia told her. "Alex, you're just as much in it as we are. Don't think you're any less important."

Her words touched Alex, who gleamed with pleasure at this compliment. She gazed at Olivia, at the familiar smile, the compassionate brown eyes that made Alex melt, and she knew that there was never going to be anything she wanted more. As luck would have it, Olivia Benson was also the one thing that was out of Alex's grasp.

"Are you…?" Olivia knew better than to ask if Alex was okay again, since she'd seen where that one had gone last time. She faced Alex, and then halted in her steps as the sight of Alex's startlingly blue eyes filled with tears pierced her. "Alex?" Olivia asked. Her voice was frightened. "What's wrong?"

Alex looked away. "Nothing." She faked a smile, one that was seen through in an instant by Olivia who rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, I've heard it all before." Deep brown eyes delved the indecipherable blueness. "Alex, you can trust me."

A moment passed where there was nothing but silence between them. Olivia reached out to Alex's slight frame, placing her lean fingers around Alex's arm, a gesture of consolation.

Olivia's touch was a thousand volts burning into her skin. Protectively, Alex shook her head, moving away. "I can't do this, okay? I can't go around pretending that I'm fine when this hurts so damn much."

Olivia swallowed hard, feeling as if she'd never regain the ability to speak. She found the words she needed.

"I never wanted to hurt you." All she longed for was to hold Alex in her embrace, but she was too afraid she'd scare her off again. They remained decisively apart, leaving a distance between them that neither wanted to be the one to breach.

"I meant it when I told you I loved you," Alex whispered. "I don't know what to do. I'm a mess, Liv." Alex drew in a shaky breath. "I've never felt like this about anyone. I know you don't feel the same way about me. I'm sorry, but I can't keep denying it."

Alex could feel the walls she'd so deftly built high and strong raining down on her. She had fallen hard and this time, she had nothing to fall back upon. "Good night," Alex murmured quietly, and she turned to walk away, her arms crossed, fingers clutching her sides tightly.

Olivia reached out and took Alex's arm. The blonde turned and faced Olivia, the tears still evident in her dazzling eyes.

"Why didn't you ever think I felt the exact same way?" Olivia demanded. "You think you're scared shitless – so am I. But that doesn't mean it'll go away."

Alex couldn't respond, couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Olivia was invading every cell in her body; her eyes were alit at a thousand watts versus the ten everyone else's seemed to be. Alex had long since memorized every worry lined in Olivia's forehead, the angle of her chiseled jawbone. They were standing to close to pass as friends, but neither halted in her stance.

"Do you want it to?" Alex breathed, on the precipice of an answer she wasn't quite sure she wanted to hear. "Go away, I mean."

The expression on Olivia's face was tender. "How could I?" she sighed. "I've already fallen for you."

This was the only assurance Alex needed. They both knew what this meant for both of them, and there were no more evasions in that single glance. Alex moved forward, closing the abyss that had lied between them for so long. She slowly closed her eyes until her lips met Olivia's.

It was the most Idyllic of any moment Alex had ever felt, and after the kiss was over, she stayed close to Olivia, whose face was unreadable.

"Are you sorry?" Alex whispered, her eyes boring into Olivia's.

Olivia shook her head. "For what?" she asked the blonde, her lips searching for Alex's again.


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry for not posting last night – my amazing girl Maggie and her lil sis stayed over last night, and I tried not to be antisocial. I don't really know where this update will go…Alex and Olivia need depth to their relationship before I drag them apart for eighteen months, a reunion night, and then another four years approximately. Gah, I need a fangirl right now…

That night, Alex cried.

The tears that fell from her eyes were neither those of loss nor forsakenness. For once, Alex felt too full, of relief, of happiness and she didn't know how too fit so many emotions in herself. So she silently let it out, still sparkling from her encounter with Olivia.

Olivia's words had sung sweet goodbyes in her ear, a last tempting kiss to finale the night. Alex had been breathless; her feet had barely danced their way into her apartment. Part of Alex wished she could've asked Olivia in, to make up for all the time she'd lost to her own cowardice, yet she doubted she could deal with any more fullness in one night.

So, she sat on the window ledge, gazing beyond the shadowy void of a sky. The air was warmer; cleansing Alex's face of the tears she'd shed that night.

Alex replayed every word they'd said to each other that night, every time Olivia's fingers 'accidentally' brushed her own as they walked. She tried to memorize the way they fit together, like two shards of glass, so that she wouldn't forget.

For a woman who thought herself doomed to loneliness, she'd at least have someone to share it with.

…

Olivia had struggled to drag herself out of bed the next morning. She'd slept soundly, not awakening once in a whole night. The expected, haunting nightmares hadn't come to her that night, and she credited her encounter with Alex.

Finally telling Alex how she felt about her had lifted a pressing weight off of her shoulders. There was nothing to hide between them anymore, no more elusions to bear. It was the first time she'd seen Alex smile unguardedly, without any walls shielding her potent blue eyes. Lying in bed that night, Olivia had replayed every word they'd spoken to each other, every insignificantly accidental touch, every argument so intense that they had reached the point of passion.

Concentrating on her work was a fruitless effort. She wished Alex would walk in, ready to help with their current case. Olivia wondered where she was.

She tried to focus on searching through files with El, Munch, and Fin, but her mind was elsewhere.

"Liv?" Elliot asked her, noticing her spaced expression. "You with us?"

She smiled ruefully. "Not entirely."

"There's not a damn mark on this punk's record," Fin complained, taking a swig of coffee. They'd been stuck on the assignment for over a week, and it was wearing down on all of them. "He's not our guy. This kid's clean."

"We can still hold Martinez on the assault charges, but we need to interrogate him again, maybe get a name out of him," Munch put in thoughtfully. "And don't roll your eyes." He directed this at Fin, who was predictably in the middle of another gesture of mock-irritation.

At the sound of a door opening, the detectives looked up. Cragen stood prominently in the bullpen. "I need everybody over here," he ordered.

They assembled themselves in front of him, awaiting more bad news, as was expected. "I just got a call from NYPD," Cragen informed them solemnly. "We got another dead body. Down in Brooklyn, at the park."

"How can I help?"

Alex strode into the bullpen, her beautiful silken hair quivering against her back as she moved. Dr. Huang trailed behind her, his face serene and impassive as always.

Olivia felt a tingle at her spine as she and Alex locked eyes. The blonde smiled secretly at Olivia, and then directed her attention to Cragen.

"Vic's a Caucasian female, late teens or early twenties. Munch, Fin – I'm sending you on this one. Let me know when we get a preliminary report from Warner." Munch and Fin nodded simultaneously, trudging out the door.

"Alex, do you have a solid case against Tony Martinez as of now?" Alex nodded in assent.

"Good. We need his case on the docket as soon as possible. Be ready," Cragen advised, reentering his office.

Olivia sat down heavily, sighing. She and Elliot still had another foot high stack of files on anyone linked to the Martinez case, which meant another hundred names to eliminate. It was going to be a hell of a day.

Alex leaned deliberately against Olivia's desk, her slender legs crossed just so. It was a position she'd taken many times before, be it while working on a particularly strenuous case, or just because she wanted to talk. But this time, Alex allowed herself to be a little more casual then she'd ordinarily be.

"Hi," Olivia smiled up at Alex. "Sleep well?"

"Better than I have." The blonde's lips cricked up a little as she focused every ounce of self control on not leaning down right there and then and kissing Olivia. She had the distinct feeling that Elliot would object, and that Fin and Munch would kill her for waiting until they were gone.

Not that any public display of affection was normal for Alex. She wasn't the hugging type nor was she the kind of person who was touched a lot. The physical boundaries were too tangible for her, and she avoided them at all cost.

"Do you want to get a drink after work tonight?" Olivia asked her, her eyes shining brightly. "I know you're probably sick of my company already, but if you're free…"

"I'd love to," Alex cut in, conveying her desire to with yet another piercing stare. "I – I really loved last night."

Olivia subtly took Alex's hand in hers below the desk, interlacing their fingers instinctively. Her face was gratifying. "I did, too," she told her, smiling.


	10. Chapter 10

School is unfortunately starting in a day. Kill me now. Midterms are going to be really shitty, so I probably won't post every day. Since I haven't updated as often as I would've liked to, today I'll post two or three chapters, depending. You guys deserve it for being so supportive I hope this isn't too romantic for you – I was listening to "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional. I'm in a fluffy fangirl mood, what can I say?

"God, I though Munch was never going to stop talking," Olivia complained to Alex, who smiled sympathetically. "He finally has a real vendetta case. All we hear is 'scheme this' and 'conspiracy that'."

"Well, at least we got away. Poor Fin," Alex laughed, sipping from the wineglass that rested between her slim fingers. The bartender had given her a bizarre look when she asked for a glass of Merlot, but why not? No one could say that Alex Cabot didn't have taste.

"I know. They love each other dearly, but Fin must want to kill him sometimes." Simultaneously, the two finished the last remains of their drinks. Olivia glanced over at Alex, who reached for her long blazer, shrugging her silken hair out of her face.

"It's early," the blonde pointed out, rising to her full height; Olivia was just at eye level with her. "We could go back to my apartment, if you want to." She bit her lip, weighing Olivia's likeliness to accept her suggestion.

She didn't have to wait long. "I'd love to," Olivia answered, smiling brightly. She followed Alex out of the little bar, her fingers trailing at the small of her back. It was a subtle gesture, but it was one that brought an arc to Alex's fine lips.

…

Alex fumbled for the switch, flicking on the light, illuminating her penthouse apartment. "It's kind of messy," she apologized to Olivia.

"Capital offense, Councilor," Olivia teased, gazing around. Alex's apartment was sleek, expensive, tasteful - a dead-on representation of the blonde ADA. The ceiling was high and spacious, the walls bejeweled with dark, imposing pieces of fine art. "It's beautiful," she complimented.

"Thanks." Alex joined Olivia by the window looking out unto the shadows of a nighttime city. Together, they leaned in until their lips met. Olivia ran her strong fingers through Alex's flaxen hair, thumbing her alabaster cheek. Nothing was more striking than the way Alex felt to Olivia, her softness at the edges of an ordinarily fierce woman. Even when they broke the kiss, Olivia stroked Alex's hair, not wanting to let go.

"I love you," Olivia told her, breathing the words into Alex's ear. It was the first time she'd said the words, even to herself.

"I love you, too." Alex smiled a little, her flawless cheeks kissed with cherry blossoms. "I feel so…whole with you. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not."

"I don't want you to have to," Olivia assured her, twining her fingers with Alex's. They sat on the white couch, kneeling as they faced each other. "But I don't know what we're going to do…at work, around the Captain, around Munch and Fin…around Elliot."

Alex nodded. She'd had the same doubts since the night she'd confessed to Olivia. "I don't want to ignore you around them, but I'm not ready to tell them. I don't even know what to tell myself."

"Alex, you're the most important thing to me right now. I don't want to share you with them, I want to keep you all to myself. For now, I want to keep you a secret."

"I think, for right now, that's perfect," Alex admitted. She tilted her head and kissed Olivia sweetly, hesitantly reaching her narrow hand up and palming Olivia's face, a gentle caress. She slipped her other hand to Olivia's back, feeling her bare skin against her hand.

Immediately, Olivia leaned back a little. "Alex…I don't want you to think this is why I'm here."

The blonde's face was a mystery. "What do you mean?"

"Alex, you know I want you." Olivia's lips curved. "You're irresistible. But I don't want to hurt you."

"I know." Her voice was a whisper. "I don't want to rush this and risk ruining everything. I love you, Liv."

"Come here." Olivia reached out and pulled Alex closer. She kissed her tenderly, savoring the sweetness of Alex's scent, her silky-smooth hair that smelled faintly of raspberries. "Is this slow enough for you?"

…

It was nice to finally have someone who genuinely cared about you, not just getting into bed with you. It was nice to have someone to be able to go somewhere without feeling like an idiot for overdressing. The last 'date' Alex had was with Trevor Langan, a man with a horrid name and an even worse personality. Not only was he a defense attorney, which ranked him lower than Satan in Alex's book, but also he was arrogant, self-possessed, and naïve of the work her detectives did every day.

Olivia was everything but. She was the most selfless person Alex had ever met, especially in her work with the victims of such heinous crimes. Alex had seen Olivia hold the hand of a broken sixteen year old that'd been violently assaulted and comfort her, and she'd seen her coldly hold down a perpetrator of a vicious sex crime.

There was no one who would touch Alex in the same way that Olivia did. As much as they fought with angry words, each self-righteous to her own agenda, their arguments were the only moments where they were totally vulnerable with each other, letting their raw emotion out in the open.

It was going to be hard to suppress her relationship with Olivia now, in front of her other detectives. It would be unethical to have such an open affiliation with someone she outranked, especially to the others, who would think she was favoring Olivia, which of course she would be. Come to think of it, it was unethical in the first place.

Then again, Alexandra Cabot didn't give a damn about the rules. They were meant to be bent, if not broken, and they were molded like clay in her suiting hand. Alex knew what she wanted, and she always got it. Which was why Olivia was so alluring. She was the first challenge, the first thing Alex had to work to get without influence.

That simple fact made Olivia even sexier. If that was possible, of course.

in the moonlight your face it glows

like a thousand diamonds

I suppose

and your hair flows like the ocean breeze

not a million fights could make me hate you

you're invincible

yeah it's true

it's in your eyes where I find peace

~secondhand serenade 'broken'


	11. Chapter 11

As promised, here's another chapter to tide you over. I've been watching Law and Order: SVU obsessively, since there was a marathon on Friday. It was AWESOME!!! Every time Alex came on the screen, I freaked out. Needless to say, my parents got a little sick of my constant squealing over my favorite ADA ever…well, then again, they aren't as gay as I am for Alex :D

"Whoa," Munch called to Olivia, stopping in his tracks as he saw her and Elliot enter the bullpen. "You look…happy." He frowned in thought. "What'd you do with Olivia?"

"Duct tape in the closet," she retorted. "Where's Fin?"

Munch rolled his eyes. "He started eating already. Said he wasn't going to wait for you guys to come back. Hey, how'd it go with the surveillance tapes?"

Olivia shrugged. "We got nothing. It's back to sorting through files. El's thrilled, obviously."

Elliot snorted, following her to their desks. "I'm starving, you?" he asked her conversationally. She nodded. It was hard to focus on anything when Olivia was preoccupied with the severe blue eyes that seared through her memory. Wide, beautiful blue eyes.

"Care to join?" Olivia looked up in surprise to see said blue eyes inviting her to follow. Alex slid her glasses back along the bridge of her slight nose. "I was going to eat outside. It's beautiful out. You in?"

"Of course," Olivia answered, jumping to her feet. Elliot looked on at the two, his expression unreadable. "I'll be back in an hour, okay?" Olivia told Elliot, following the click of Alex's heels.

"He really doesn't like me, does he?" Alex asked in amusement. "I keep stealing you away from him."

"Elliot's just…a guy," Olivia attested. "He gets unreasonably jealous."

"Of me?" Alex feigned shock. "Because I'm spending so much time with the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on?"

"Uh huh." Olivia raised her eyebrows. "Should I call Huang for a psych eval?"

"Seriously, look at yourself," Alex told her as they walked side-by-side over to the park by the precinct. "You're gorgeous. You have the eyes."

"And that implies…?"

"They're hypnotic. With one look, you're going to get anything you want."

"I'd rather have the Medusa glare," Olivia commented. "Chasing after perps won't be an issue anymore."

Alex laughed, taking a seat on a bench, the sunlight glinting off her glasses. "Come on," she laughed. "Sit down and stay awhile, will you?"

It occurred to Olivia that she didn't really want to waste her lunch hour eating while she had a distraction such as Alex to preoccupy her. Alex caught onto her intentions and smiled crookedly.

"We're not really going to wind up eating, are we?" the blonde asked.

"Well, I can think of much better ways to…" Olivia began, but was silenced as Alex's lips sought her own. Olivia closed her eyes and breathed in the sweet scent of her Alex.

"You surprise me," Olivia whispered, her open face brushed with Alex's corn silk hair. Alex grinned, laying her head in Olivia's lap.

"I really wish I wasn't due in court in an hour." She made a face, looking up at Olivia. "You're testifying on the Martinez case still, right?"

"Obviously. Why would I bail on my favorite ADA?" Olivia mused. Alex shrugged comically, her expression amused.

"Your only ADA, you mean," she quipped.

It was odd to see Alex in her tightly buttoned blouse and formal skirt lying on a park bench with her head in Olivia's lap. Olivia smiled down on her, sweeping a loose strand of blond hair out of Alex's face and tucking it away behind her ear.

"I feel like they know something," Alex admitted, tilting her head to face Olivia as best she could. "Cragen and the others."

"Maybe you're just a little paranoid," Olivia pointed out gently, stroking Alex's hair.

"Maybe," Alex allowed. "I just want to be the one to tell them. When we're ready. I'd feel awful if they found out through the rumor mill."

"Same. But I feel like Fin and El would be cracking vulgar jokes to our faces – in good fun, of course – if they knew."

"Imagine all the new bets Fin and Munch will make on us," Alex said sarcastically. She laughed.

There was nothing Olivia wanted better than to stay as she was holding Alex in the park, feeling their fingers doing a mirror dance together, and Alex's sweet breath on her skin. When she was around Alex aside from work, she saw the angelic, spontaneous Alex emerge. She was insatiable for more, to investigate more of the woman who daunted her.

…

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

Olivia disconnected, slipping her cell back into the pocket of her tight jeans and coming face to face with Elliot.

"Hey," she greeted, surprised.

"Who's the lucky guy?" he asked, gesturing to her pocket, at her cell.

Damn. "What?" she asked, seeming oblivious.

"Prince Charming on the phone," he joked, a grin evident on his face. "Fin is right, isn't he?"

"More like Princess," she murmured under her breath, smiling.

"Huh?"

"Never mind." Olivia told him. It was the first time she'd lied to Elliot, the partner who knew her inside and out, and who she trusted with her life. But this was a secret she wasn't ready to share. It was a secret she couldn't share, because it wasn't hers to tell.

"Come on, Liv, I'm not gonna tell anyone," he assured her.

"It's not that, it's just…" Her voice trailed off.

"What, is it Cabot or something? You guys have a thing going?" he joked, clearly unaware that he'd just hit the nail on the head. Dead on. "Liv?"

Her face was as readable as a book, clearly. "Wait, I was joking," Elliot said, confused. "Liv? You serious?"

Olivia took a deep, shuddering breath. "Yeah, you're right. It's Alex." She waited for his reaction, to gauge how bad she'd messed this one up. She waited for him to laugh, to ridicule her vulnerability at this moment.

"Well…congratulations," he said quietly, a smile transforming his face. "I'm really happy for you, Liv."

Her relief was palpable and she spontaneously stepped forward and engulfed him in a hug. "Thank you," she whispered sincerely. "You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that."

"I know," he grinned. "So, you two…" he trailed off suggestively. Olivia rolled her eyes, slugging him on the arm. Here was the Elliot she knew and loved, right back to his usual, guy self.


	12. Chapter 12

Classes today were horrid. We had a ridiculously unnecessary history lesson, which I wasn't listening to at all, considering I was writing in my notebook, and my teacher gave me a death glare. If looks could kill…It was all for a good cause, though, since this is the next installment of this fic. Thank you for your amazing support – it helps me survive the disastrous school days. I love your reviews; keep em coming :D

As soon as she heard the buzz of the intercom, Alex swiftly opened the door to her apartment, stepping aside to allow Olivia to enter. She materialized in seconds, stunning in a tight scarlet tee and her usual leather jacket. "Hi," Alex greeted.

"Hey." They kissed quickly. "I come bearing gifts," Olivia pronounced, holding up a long necked bottle of wine.

"Thank you," Alex said, taking it and leaning in to kiss Olivia longer, touching her hands to her waist tenderly, bringing Olivia closer to her. They smiled at each other, and Alex headed into the kitchen to stir her sauce, Olivia trailing her.

"So what did you have to tell me?" Alex asked curiously, rolling the sleeves of her tight black shirt up to her elbows. "You sounded really excited on the phone."

"It's…good, I guess," Olivia told her. "Elliot kind of figured it out." She waited for Alex's response before revealing her own, not wanting to get ahead of Alex's reaction.

Alex was taken aback. This was a twist she hadn't expected. "Really? About us, you mean?"

"He got it. I don't know how, but…he did." Olivia decided to omit the fact that he'd pretty much read off of her face. It wasn't her fault she was an awful liar…

"Are we really that obvious?" Alex mused lightheartedly, turning the heat down on her sauce and scraping a spoonful, sprinkling parsley on top. Holding it out temptingly to Olivia, she said, "Here, try this."

She did. "Mm," Olivia murmured. "Really good." In response to Alex's question, she replied, "I guess we are a little…familiar. Normally, we're always fighting over something benign, and suddenly we're getting along better than we ever have. I guess it's noticeable that we're always together now."

"What can I say? You're far too enticing, Detective," Alex laughed lightly, settling her narrow fingers at Olivia's waist. "So, is he okay? With us, I mean."

"Actually, he was completely supportive." Olivia frowned. "He said he's happy for me."

"Were you expecting anything different?" Alex tilted her head, assessing Olivia's reaction. "Look, I'm happy for you. He was bound to find out sooner or later; keeping a secret from your partner wasn't going to be easy for long."

"I guess I expected him to throw the book at me – to get pissed that I was being 'unprofessional.'"

"Well, it sort of is," Alex admitted. "But we haven't had any problems so far. And as long as only Elliot knows, and keeps his big mouth shut, we should be okay."

She kissed Olivia's forehead lovingly, then skillfully poured two glasses of the wine bottle, its contents dark as rubies tumbling into the fine crystal.

"Detective." Alex passed Olivia a glass, their fingers brushing against each other instinctively with the simple gesture.

"Councilor." Olivia clinked her glass with Alex's. They drank, feeling the warm liquid flow down their throats.

"Do you want to eat right away?" Alex asked. "It's not that late, if you want to wait…"

"Fine by me," Olivia told her sweetly, pulling Alex into her arms, a warm embrace, caressing Alex's face and softly pressing her lips against Alex's.

"This is so new to me," Alex said softly. "I mean, I've never really…had anything like this before." She paused for a second. "Have you?"

Olivia thought for a moment, considering. "No, not really. I mean, the last 'relationship' I had was years ago. Nothing ever really holds out – nobody ever really sticks around, you know? I haven't had anything I wanted to hold onto. Until now."

They both moved to the couch, sitting facing each other. "I know. Was it a he or a she? Just wondering…"

"She." Olivia thought for a second, interlacing her fingers with Alex's, playing with the thin silver ring she wore. "Alex, are you gay?"

"I – I don't really know," she confessed after a second. "I've never really thought about it. I think – I think I really am, though. You're the only person I've ever loved and you're a woman, so I guess that makes me…"

Olivia gazed into Alex's fathomless eyes. "I'm the only one you've loved?"

"Yeah." Alex laughed. "Pitiful, isn't it?"

"No," Olivia disagreed. "It's…sweet."

Alex kissed her impulsively, loving the feel of Olivia's arms around her, fingers gliding through her silken fair hair. These were the memories Alex kept locked away, the ones she would rather die than forget. Nothing could compare to the sheer love that Olivia showed her. No one had ever made Alex feel as whole and full as Olivia did, in the simplest of ways.

She laid back into Olivia's sturdy embrace, folding her arms around the other woman's. Alex sighed, closing her eyes as Olivia stroked Alex's hair, smoothing it back from her face. She was full of bliss, content to just lie there. It was soothing that Alex and Olivia were comfortable enough with each other to be together without feeling obligated to keep up a conversation. The feelings they expressed with every touch were conversation enough.

After a while, Alex realized the light was getting dimmer outside. She lifted her head and twisted to face Olivia. "We should be eating shouldn't we?" Alex murmured, her eyes fluttering open.

"Well, you're distracting me," Olivia informed her, leaning her forehead against Alex's, teasingly.

"Easily distracted, are we?"

"Around you…yeah, you're right."

"Good to know," Alex sang softly, touching the tip of her finger to Olivia's nose. "I'll keep that in mind, Detective."

So many nights I cried myself to sleep  
Now that you love me, I love myself  
I never thought I would say this  
I never thought there'd be  
You

~Evanescence "You"


	13. Chapter 13

So this one was compiled during a long and incredibly dull geometry lesson. Unfortunately, this is the last installment before "Loss." Sorry, guys…we've reached the era of Caesar Velez and Alex's alleged death. We all knew this was coming but that doesn't mean it won't hurt. It's going to span many updates so I can get the dialogue right on. Well, enjoy this little morsel of a chapter…I was writing my iSearch paper and got sick of typing.

As much as Alex reveled in the love she felt for Olivia, she was still afraid.

If Cragen ever found out, Alex knew he'd be unbelievably disappointed in her for blurring the lines between the professional and personal relationships she preserved with Olivia. She wished it were different, since she considered Don Cragen one of her most trusted friends, and she knew he'd be happy for them under a different set of circumstances. But given the nature of the situation, Alex was positive she'd be fired if her superiors ever caught on. Not to mention the controversy of a gay ADA who prosecuted sex crimes…Alex shuddered at the thought of what would happen to her in court if the word ever came out.

…

"Elliot," Alex called to him. She'd just entered the bullpen and was standing next to Olivia, as close as she dared to be at work. Lowering her voice, she added, "Got a minute?"

He nodded, striding over and observing the two of them. "What's up?"

"I know you know," Alex began, biting her lip subconsciously, her voice soft in case anyone was attempting to listen in. Munch was notorious for sneaking up on anyone at the precinct to barge into their conversation. "About us, I mean. And I'm happy you know. But I need to ask you not to tell anyone here."

"You can trust me," Elliot assured her. "I promise," he clarified, his eyes meeting Olivia's too, who smiled at him, then turned her gaze to Alex, having eyes only for her.

Elliot grinned at them, and especially his partner. "Look, Alex…I've never seen Liv this happy and if you're as happy as she is, the more power to you. Besides, it isn't anyone here's business. You'll tell them when you're ready."

"Thanks, El," Olivia said to him. It occurred to her that while in court, she'd missed a good portion of the investigation that morning. "Hey, how are we on the girl found at the park? Katrina Steele?"

"Perp used a hammer to deliver the blow that knocked her out. We matched the footprints already at the lab to Aaron Grey, our guy who had been seeing her; to seal the deal we need a warrant for his DNA to confirm," Elliot summarized, looking imploringly at Alex.

It was Olivia's clue to start coaxing Alex into getting them a warrant. She took the lead, ready to convince the blonde as sweetly as possible. "Alex, could you - " she began, but Alex cut her off.

"On it," Alex stated. "I'll have it in the hour." She caught Elliot's amused expression. "What?"

He chuckled. "Nothing. I've just never seen you so…non-argumentative. It's cute."

"Times change," Alex pointed out, turning to face Olivia. Her face softened. "People too."

Olivia grinned, wishing she could kiss Alex then and there. Of course, she didn't dare, what with the twenty odd people swarming in and out of the bullpen. She wished for it, though. "Go kick ass in court today," she instructed with a devious smile to Alex, heading back to her own desk, watching Alex exit out of the corner of her eye. It was hard to look away from her.

…

It didn't seem possible for one person to hold so many good feelings. Never in her life had Alex felt so empowered, so ready to start every day as soon as possible. Being with Olivia was a shot of adrenaline to her heart, making everything more vivid, more breathtaking to Alex's eyes. She never wanted to go back to the dark now that she'd seen such endless light. Nothing could outshine the light Olivia brought to Alex that blinded her. She wouldn't let it

There were times when Alex wanted to forget the boundaries she and Olivia didn't have the nerve to cross and to just take the plunge. She wanted nothing more than to experience Olivia making love to her. But letting that happen was a risk Alex didn't want to take. She didn't want to risk losing what she had for both of them. Too many times had she let something wonderful slip through her fingers like a porcelain doll crashing into smithereens. The love she felt for Olivia was new, uncharted, and she couldn't lose it as soon as she'd realized it was there all along.

In some strange way, Alex wanted to make the most of the time they had, though. She didn't want to waste more because of her reluctance to mess up everything. Sometimes, you had to just take the dive and go for it. Because even if you crashed, you still got those few seconds of flying. And that made it all worthwhile.


	14. Chapter 14

I'm too depressed for words, so I'll cut to the chase. Thus begins the end of Alexandra Cabot. These next several updates will span the episode 'Loss.' It starts after Olivia and Elliot investigate a dead Columbian cop undercover, named Livia Sandoval, and after the connection between her, Rafael Zapata, and Cesar Velez. If you are a little rusty on the context of this episode, I hope this post will clarify. By the way, much of the dialogue is authentic; I just filled in the blank spots in between in the episode itself.

The ringing phone cut through Alex's dreaming, rousing her in an instant. Checking the caller ID, she flipped the phone open. "Cabot," she answered drowsily. "It's my day off, you know."

"I'm sorry to bother you, Alex, but we need you in here today," Don Cragen informed her, his tone apologetic but all business. "Have you been briefed on Livia Sandoval?"

"Not really." In actuality, Olivia had explained some of it while venting to Alex just that past evening. Of course, Cragen didn't know that.

"A woman walking her dog yesterday came across a dead young woman hidden in garbage bags. We identified her as Livia Tellez based on the ID she carried, but we discovered she was undercover. Our likeliest suspect is Rafael Zapata, 24, two previous arrests, no convictions. He's the main man for Cesar Velez, ringleader of a Columbian drug cartel. Both have a considerable amount of influence, especially financially."

Cragen paused. "Look, DEA's been breathing down our necks every step of the way. They see us as intruding on their turf. As far as we're concerned, this is an SVU case regardless of Sandoval's situation. Alex," he said. "I wouldn't ask you in at a time like this if it wasn't important."

Alex nodded, and then realized it wouldn't register over the phone. "You'll see me as soon as possible," she told Cragen, hanging up.

…

Alex looked up from her desk to see Olivia striding over to her, with Elliot trailing behind her. She'd been reviewing all of the information her detectives had compiled thus far in the Sandoval case, and welcomed a chance to take any sort of break.

Olivia laid a picture of a yacht down on her desk. Alex looked up at her questioningly.

"Zapata's love boat. He keeps it in Battery Park," Olivia explained quickly.

Alex picked up the picture and scanned it. "He must be compensating for something to need a yacht that big. What's the connection?"

Elliot stepped closer. "The M.E. found slivers of fiberglass in the victim's leg. The hull of that yacht is made of the same material. We just found out that Zapata owned it. We didn't know, because all of his assets are held under shell companies."

"How'd you find out?" Alex queried, impressed.

"Confidential informant," Olivia replied. "Now, is that enough for a warrant?" Her eyes pleaded Alex to allow it.

"As long as the information's reliable," Alex countered, her intense eyes gleaming the smile her lips wouldn't illustrate.

"Beyond reproach," Elliot put in.

"Has he provided accurate information for you in the past?"

"No, but the nature of his job puts him in a position to receive sensitive information. And Alex, we believe him," Olivia said, her tone softening.

It was enough for Alex, but to get a warrant, they needed something more solid. "Well, that's very comforting. Now, tell me something that will actually help me get the warrant."

Elliot smiled a little as the hardheaded Alex he knew well emerged. "Alex, you've got to trust us."

She sighed. "I know, you're right. Sorry, I'm just…tired."

"You okay?" Olivia asked, her forehead creased with worry.

Alex nodded. "I wish I were at my apartment."

Olivia smiled cleverly. "I wish I were with you."

Elliot coughed, a little embarrassed. "Warrant?" he ventured hopefully.

Alex laughed. "On it."

Twenty minutes later, Alex returned, breathless, a signed document thrust towards Olivia. "Here," she said.

Elliot nodded, then headed to show Cragen. Olivia lingered, torn between following her partner and staying beside Alex.

"Go on," Alex prodded. Bringing down her voice, she added, "Be careful."

Olivia covertly covered the blonde's hand with her own. The gesture was small, and unnoticeable to anyone except for Alex, who gazed lovingly into Olivia's eyes; the desire was exhilarating.

"I will," Olivia assured her.

…

"The defendant is a Colombian national with known ties to major drug organizations. He has unlimited resources at his disposal and we consider him a flight risk. We request remand, Your Honor."

Alex regarded Judge Petrovsky with a long look. She longed to be with Olivia as opposed to undergoing tedious courtroom procedures and an unavoidable fight over bail.

Lionel Granger, the high-class defense attorney Zapato had hired immediately after his arrest, spoke derisively. "My client has never been charged with anything related to drug trafficking. And I consider the People's baseless accusations slanderous and bigoted."

Alex could have hit him. The Judge nodded. "Noted, Mr. Granger. But I'd really like to hear your thoughts on the matter of bail."

"Mr. Zapata is a respected business and family man. He has no intention of fleeing this jurisdiction and is willing to turn over his passport for the pendency of the case."

Like hell, Alex thought. With that kind of money, he could easily skip right across the border. "The defendant has among his assets a Gulfstream jet, Your Honor, as well as personal airstrips in the Caribbean and South America. Turning over his passport is a meaningless gesture."

Granger snorted. "He is blessed with wealth, so he must be guilty? He has a clean record, Your Honor."

Judge Petrovsky raised her eyebrows at the arrogant speech. "And his passport won't be the only thing he turns over. Bail is set at $5 million. Next case."

Thank you, Alex thought silently. As she gathered her belongings, Granger walked over.

"Lionel. Zapata still has you on retainer, I see. That explains the $3,000 suit. How'd you get the blood out?" she asked coolly, the irritation leaking out of every word.

"My wife bought me this suit. Everybody deserves a defense, Alex," Granger told her patronizingly. Alex didn't want another verbal lawyer's battle; what she wanted was to go back to Olivia. Why did everything have to always get in her way?

"I would believe your idealism if you weren't enjoying yourself so much."

"I'm just a naturally happy person." The smirk was evident on his face as he handed Alex a motion, practically placing it in her hand.

Alex grabbed the paper and dangled it in front of his face. "What is this?" Her voice was shrill, fierce.

Granger grinned crookedly, the Cheshire cat smile of a satisfied attorney. "Motion to controvert the search warrant. And I will enjoy this."


	15. Chapter 15

This is just too miserable. I can't believe I have to lose Alex. I almost want to call up Dick Wolf and be like 'Can you change the whole premise of the Law and Order SVU plotline so Alex doesn't go into WPP? And can you make her and Olivia lovers? And have Alex wear more revealing clothes on set please? Thanks!' If I knew his phone number, I totally would, too. But oh well, I'm making the most of what I have.

Back at the bullpen, Alex approached Olivia and Elliot at their desks. "Hi," she said. "Can we talk?"

Olivia leapt to her feet. "Absolutely. What's up?"

"The Judge ordered for your informant's authenticity to be verified. It's the defense, really, trying scare tactics in order to get us to drop the case." She paused, knowing they wouldn't like where this was going. "Your informant would only have to talk to the judge in chambers. No one else would be present."

Elliot shook his head, defeated. "No good, Alex."

"Elliot, it's going to have to be. I put my neck on the line for you two people," she reminded him desperately. "I would like it back." Well, the part she risked for Elliot, really. Olivia could keep her half.

Olivia's face was stricken. "He could lose his job. Worst case, he could get killed."

Alex was sympathetic, but firm. "Well, he should've thought about that before he talked to you. Who is he?" she asked.

It was Olivia who fell prey to Alex's inquisitive gaze. "Tim Donovan, DEA," she told Alex. "DEA has been tracking Zapata and his consort, Velez, for almost two years. They don't want to risk blowing the operation."

Alex nodded, understanding. "I'll meet with him as soon as possible, which will probably be late this evening." She locked her gaze with Olivia, the briefest of smiles playing across her lips before pushing on to make her calls.

The day was far too crazy, and it sure as hell wasn't getting any better…

…

Alex rose to her feet as a tall man entered the room. "Alex Cabot with the D.A.'s office," she introduced herself, extending her hand to him.

Donovan ignored her outstretched hand, and turned on her. "Were you followed?" he asked demandingly.

Already, she didn't like him. Alex bristled and replied. "I beg your pardon?"

"Did anyone follow you from your office to the DEA?"

Followed? "I don't believe so, but I can't be sure."

He seemed to accept her answer, calming down a little. "Now you're going to tell me that you know all about my job and how you know this is dangerous but, uh, you can protect me. Is that about right?"

"I freely admit I know very little about the dangers of your job. That doesn't change the fact that you gave information as a confidential informant and now that information has to be verified. You won't have to testify in open court," Alex promised. If Tim Donovan refused to give a testimonial to the judge, they were essentially screwed. Alex was sick of interdepartmental disputes; she just wanted a break.

"The answer's no."

Alex was taken aback at first, but then regained her footing. "Let me tell you a little bit about my job, Agent Donovan," she told him, her voice colored with her impatience. "After I tell the judge that I cannot produce the informant, she is going to issue a John Doe material witness order. If I don't give her your name, I will be found in contempt."

And then I'll be screwed, too, Alex thought to herself, leveling a cold stare at Donovan, the perfect finale to her little sermon.

"That's your call, your conscience."

"I can tell you right now, I'm not going to jail for you or for my conscience." Her voice was resolute.

"Then drop the case," he told her, just as firmly.

"I can't."

"Look, you do what you got to do, Ms. Cabot. But when things go down, the blood's gonna be on your hands."

Alex sighed a little. "There has to be a way to work this out so that everyone is protected."

Donovan shook his head with disbelief, in open contempt to her naïve words. "You really don't know anything about this, do you?" he asked her almost sadly, and with that, he walked out the door, her last hope vanishing with him.

…

"Manslaughter, eight to ten."

After being left unceremoniously at the DEA office, Alex had been forced to offer Zapata, a real character, a plea bargain since she lost the lock to the case. The man looked disconcertingly pleased with himself, his teeth gleaming whiter than the lies she'd heard out of him all day.

"Pass," Lionel Granger said dismissively.

"Maybe you should ask your client what he thinks," Alex suggested curtly.

"I also pass." Zapata's voice was heavily accented as the words tripped off of his tongue.

"What are you even bargaining with, Alex?" Granger asked her, his tone incredulous. As if he cared. "You don't have a case. You certainly don't have your alleged informant."

"I will have the informant, once the judge issues her subpoena."

Rafael Zapata spoke up. "You're assuming that the informant will comply with the judge's request."

Alex turned to him coldly. "And why wouldn't he, Mr. Zapata?"

Zapata shrugged slightly. "Who can say why people do what they do? It's a mystery." The mocking tone of his voice masked the threat Alex detected beneath, along with the outright insolence he exuded.

"You don't know who the informant is, so how can you possibly know what he might do?" Alex asked him sharply, sick of these games. Any idiot could've agreed to the plea bargain and been done with it.

"So you say." Zapata offered her another grin.

Granger stepped in, always the peacemaker. "Tell you what, you get your informant lined up, I promise we'll take the deal."

"Take it now or it's gone." Alex was really getting fed up now. "And for future reference, if your client intimidates the informant in any way, I will have his bail revoked and his ass thrown in Rikers for the duration of the trial."

Zapata scoffed. "You can't threaten me bitch."

Alex smiled angelically. "I just did."

Granger quickly rose to his feet, ready to leave the precarious situation. "We're going," he said firmly, both to Alex and Zapata.

Zapata's face was both incredulous and outraged. "You allow this? A woman says these things and you do nothing?"

Alex rose to her feet, allowing him to take in her full five feet and nine and a half inches, not including the heels. "Yes, Mr. Zapata. You will also find that a woman can say whatever she wants to about your performance in the bedroom, and you aren't actually allowed to kill her."

In a split second he was on his feet, lunging at her with outrage. Alex stepped back as Granger shoved the table of the interrogation room between his client and herself.

"Let's not do anything stupid," Granger intoned to Zapata.

Alex stayed far away, shaken. Two guards immediately rushed in and restrained Zapato, pinning his arms behind his back. That didn't stop his dark eyes from boring into Alex, a reminder that this time, she'd definitely crossed the line.

"Everything's fine. Everything's fine... Okay. That was fun. Let's go, Rafael," Granger informed his client, walking him out. Zapata looked back, rattling Alex with a glare that chilled her to the bone.

Alex leaned against the wall and tried to take deep breaths, still dazed from the crazed reaction to her bold comment. She'd seen something in his eyes she'd seen in the psychotics Huang had interviewed for her. It was a look of pure reckless indifference. If Granger hadn't shoved the table in between her and Zapata, and if there weren't guards watching, Rafael Zapata would have killed her. Easily.

She took out her cell phone, her fingers still trembling, and called Olivia.


	16. Chapter 16

I've started a montage to Alex Cabot. Yes, I'm crazy obsessed. Yes, I know this isn't healthy. Yes, I know I should check into a mental hospital (I actually almost got admitted to one…funny story). Well, anyhow, I've been sketching some portraits of Alex. Nothing much, just a few little etchings, but I'm posting them online soon. If you want to check them out, I'll give you a link. Without further ado, here's chapter…16?

"It's okay," Olivia murmured, letting her fingers brush against Alex's, the most contact she dared to have, even in the empty interrogation room they sat in. She'd found Alex standing listlessly against the wall, her shoulders still quivering at the shock of Zapata's outburst, and had sat her down so that their shoulders touched. They lived for that closeness, that sense of stability in the other, and in that moment, Alex was grateful to have Olivia there for her.

Alex shook her head, as if shaking off the thoughts that'd been nagging at her. "I'm fine. We have to get back to work."

"Alex." Olivia's voice was gentle. "You're killing yourself over this case."

Alex looked into her eyes. "He started it," she told the detective, rising to her feet and walking out of the interrogation room. Olivia followed her, smiling to herself at the blonde's stubbornness.

They met up with Elliot at the squad room and began to stride alongside him. "Hey," Elliot greeted. "Did Zapata take the plea bargain?"

"No. He decided he'd rather take a lunge for me," Alex replied. Elliot stopped suddenly.

"What the hell happened?" he demanded.

Alex shook her head, irritated. Olivia jumped in. "Alex said something Zapato didn't like, so he snapped. Lionel Granger got in the way before he did anything stupid."

"What'd you say?" Elliot asked her, incredulous.

"I said 'a woman can say whatever she wants to about your performance in the bedroom, and you aren't actually allowed to kill her." Alex noticed Elliot's expression. "What?"

Elliot gaped at her in disbelief. "You're out of your mind."

"I was hoping he'd think about that information coming out in open court," Alex pointed out.

"And he pissed you off," Elliot surmised, shaking his head back and forth at her, a bobble toy.

"Yeah," Alex admitted hotly. "That too."

"What does Branch think, now that the deal's been shut down?" Olivia inquired lightly.

"We move forward with the trial. We give the DEA's office fair warning, and they have the opportunity to pull their undercovers if they think it's necessary," Alex explained.

Elliot stared at her, both in admiration and disapproval of her boldness. "You're going to blow a two-year investigation."

Alex was resolute, tossing her hair to the side. "This is the best option of only bad options. We either prosecute Zapata ourselves or we drop it, give him back his passport, he leaves the country, and the DEA's case is blown anyway."

Her cell rang abruptly, and she reached for it. "Hello?"

Olivia directed her attention to Elliot. "Look, the fact of the matter is that Zapata blew the DEA's investigation wide open when he raped and murdered Livia Sandoval."

Elliot nodded his agreement. "There you go," he settled.

"Okay…bye." The detectives regarded Alex with vague curiosity as she flipped her phone closed and stowed it away in the recesses of her bag.

"I just got called to an ex parte meeting in Judge Petrovsky's chambers," Alex informed them, clearly perplexed.

"What do you think that's about?" Elliot asked.

Alex sighed. "Nothing good." She deviously touched her fingers to Olivia's. "Excuse me."

…

"So basically, the federal government decided to play God and cover the DEA's asses. Again," Alex summed up for Elliot and Olivia. In short, they'd told her she couldn't pursue Tim Donovan since he was part of an ongoing investigation. And in short, Alex was pissed.

Olivia looked sympathetic. "They can just go over the judge's head, and that's it?" she asked doubtfully.

Alex sighed, her eyes fierce and bright. "I'm going to appeal it to the Second Circuit. Now we're getting into a violation of state's rights."

They all looked up to see none other than Tim Donovan approaching briskly, his face troubled.

Elliot raised his eyebrows. "I thought you didn't want to show your face around here."

Donovan focused on Alex. "We have received a credible threat," he reported grimly.

"It didn't come from us," Alex countered shortly. "We have kept your identity confidential." She looked sideways at Olivia. Alex just wanted to go home and rest in Olivia's arms; she'd had a hellish day.

Donovan shook his head. "The threat was made against you," he stated.

…

"_Hey, how's my girlfriend."_

"_Good, very good."_

They all sat in an interrogation room, shocked into silence at the tape recorder replaying the phone call that the DEA had been alerted of. Alex's back was rigid, keeping her face impassive, but Olivia could see her slim shoulders shivering ever so slightly.

"Second guy's an inmate incarcerated at a federal penitentiary in Lewisburg, Pennsylvania. One of Cesar Velez's guys. This call was recorded six hours ago. We haven't yet identified the other man," Donovan told them all.

"_I'm gonna pick her up. Maybe this week."_

"_Alright. She's living at 235 West, 78__th__. Apartment "C" like Charlie. Gets home around 8:00."_

A sudden chill washed over Alex. "That's my apartment," she said, stunned. She could feel the hair at the nape of her neck prickle at her realization of the significance of the recorded call.

Olivia longed to take the blonde into her arms and soothe her, to whisper that it was going to be okay. Simultaneously, she wanted to find the bastards who were causing Alex this much grief and kill them.

"_Jogs at six..."_ said the voice on the recorder.

Elliot was furious, his hands balled into tight fists. "Son of a bitch."

"_You could go jogging with her. Central Park."_

"_I was thinking I could visit her mother."_

"_That's an idea. Mom lives upstate. East Amherst…"_

"Oh my god," Alex whispered, horrified. She could hardly breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but feel the terror that was overwhelming her.

"_But you should really try to see your girlfriend. It's important."_

"How do they know this?" Alex asked softly.

"Cesar Velez has a network in the federal prisons. We're trying to ascertain where the information's coming from. Have you noticed anyone following you? Any problems with your telephone service at the office or at your home?" Donovan asked her.

Alex tried to think, blocking out the shock. "Uh... N-No, not that I can remember," she answered.

Olivia turned to her, her eyes liquid with fear and anger and love all in one glance. "Okay, so as of now, we get a protective detail. You step foot outside, you have an armed escort." Her voice was strong and authoritative, but it killed Alex to her a tremble to her words. Olivia was just as scared as she was.

"We're gonna have to rig a security system at the office and the apartment," Elliot mused, rubbing a hand across his face.

"Federal marshal's already lined up to escort you. Should be here within the hour." Donovan noted.

"No," Alex shook her head. "I want to go home now." Her voice was broken with defeat.

Olivia rose. "Okay, we'll take you." She helped Alex to her feet, and lead her out, her fingers lightly grazing the small of Alex's back as she guided her. Just that touch alone brought some comfort to Alex; she sure as hell needed it.


	17. Chapter 17

This is a big one…all I'm gonna say about it. We're really getting down to the wire here and I'm sorry to say the end of Loss is coming closer. I'm taking another poll: should I keep Alex's story during the Witness Protection Program true? I'm wondering, because at one point she gets married, or should I let her explain the necessity of it to Olivia. Nothing will change about Alex and Olivia; they will ALWAYS be together, no matter what. Forever A&O 3

"We're going to rig up surveillance all around the building. Anyone coming in or out – we'll monitor it over a live feed. We're gonna get the guy, Alex," Elliot reassured her, his voice soothing, trying to keep his sheer anger from permeating the words. Alex nodded, moving a little closer to Olivia who had her arm out protectively, as if shielding her from danger.

"Ms. Cabot! We're gonna find the guy. And we'll tie him to Zapata. He'll go away for life." Alex and Olivia whirled around together, noticing Donovan briskly walking alongside them.

Alex acquiesced. "Okay," she told him, her quavering words hardly sufficient to assure herself, even.

"And if we can't, I'll go to your judge. I'll testify in open court. So I don't want you to worry. This is handled. Got it?" he asked earnestly. She could tell he felt guilty for not agreeing immediately to testify, even for Judge Petrovsky, and she appreciated his efforts now, even if they were in vain.

"Got it. Good night," she replied.

Olivia turned to Alex. "Alex. Why don't you stay with me tonight until we figure this whole thing out?"

Her offer was almost irresistible. An hour earlier, she'd have agreed immediately, but that was before she had a target on her head. And by now, Alex needed to be alone.

"No, it'll be okay," Alex promised. "But thanks." Olivia nodded, smiling understandingly at the blonde. She knew Alex well enough by now to know that Alex needed alone time, to obsess, to perfect the case, to figure her own safety into the equation. Even with her life in danger, Alex was a little perfectionist.

Elliot opened the back door, gesturing for Alex to get in. "Okay, let's do a drive-by first to make sure nothing looks off." He slid into the front seat, fumbling for his keys.

All of a sudden, a deafening explosion rocketed skyward, flames towering and smoldering. Alex and Olivia both fell backwards; Olivia sheltered Alex with her jacket, protecting her from whatever had just occurred. Elliot guarded his face as bits of glass and debris hit the windshield, trying to discern what the hell had happened through the dust settling.

When she felt it was over, Alex moaned and rolled so that she was on her side. Her palms were scraped raw from the impact of her fall, and she could feel her head throbbing.

Olivia was the first to right herself, gazing around at the wreckage that spanned the street. She immediately tensed and kept her fingers locked on her gun belt. For a minute, all she could see was the dust sifting to the ground, but then she saw the remains of what used to be a car. It came to her in an instant – Donovan.

"Oh my god," she whispered, appalled at what lay before her eyes. Running over to the car, she was horrified to see that the explosion had indeed been fatal. Pulling out her cell, she dialed 911 immediately. Alex struggled to her feet, still stunned from the force of the explosion, taking in exactly what Olivia just had in the briefest instant. She felt her body numb to the marrow for the second time that day.

The words that fell from Alex's lips instantly were both in terror and doom. Olivia turned in time to hear her whisper in terror:

"I'm next."

…

"I want a full perimeter sweep, roadblocks from here to West, and the bomb squad to get a preliminary report issued within the hour. Whoever set this off is still in the city as of now, and we need to find them."

The grating blare of the megaphone was oddly soothing to Alex as she sat motionlessly in the back of an ambulance, dispassionately surveying the scene around her. Droves of firemen, EMTs, and officers had swathed the bomb-ridden street in minutes, a swarm of locusts preying, watching, investigation. She sat with a soft blanket – who had wrapped the blanket around her? – encasing her slight frame. Alex couldn't feel anything, not even the blood that trickled in one fine tributary down the nape of her neck. She was lost to it all – the pain, the revenge, the loss – all of it that afflicted the rest of them, she was dull to.

Olivia hesitantly walked to Alex, the apprehension inscribed on her open face. "Hey," she greeted dimly. "Come on, let's go."

Alex stayed, afraid that if she moved, she might break into the million little pieces that she felt like.

"Alex, you couldn't have done anything differently. Donovan made a choice."

"We all did," Alex replied quietly after a moment, cautiously reaching up her little finger to brush away a tear that threatened to escape her full eyes.

Agent Hammond, DEA walked up just then, his face constricted with anger and pain. "How?" he asked Alex brusquely.

"I — I don't know." She knew it was an unacceptable answer, as she was an unacceptable survivor. It should have been Donovan standing alive, and she, dead in a violent explosion. Not the reverse.

"You don't know?! He had two kids. Did you know that?" Hammond demanded of her, the rage surpassing his ordinary collected calm.

Olivia stepped up to him and glared. "Knock it off," she told him fiercely.

He disregarded her, honing in on Alex's loss for words. "You were careless. You didn't listen. Do you get it now? Is it sinking in?"

Elliot, summing up the magnitude of the situation in an instant, walked over quickly. "Enough. Enough." He turned to Alex, his face still haunted with the ghost of the explosion. "You have to get yourself off this case," he told her. "End of story."

Hammond snorted. "Oh, you don't have a case," he retorted. "It blew up with Tim Donovan."

Olivia scowled at Brad Hammond; the feral desire to throttle him slowly overwhelmed by her desire to get Alex home and into clean clothes. "Come on," she soothed Alex. Alex's angular face quivered, the tears trailing through the soot that dusted her cheeks. "I'll take you home. Okay?"

"Could I…" Alex's voice was small, weak. "Could I stay with you? Just for a night?"

Olivia nodded. "Absolutely. Always. Can you tell Cragen she's staying with me for the night until we know if she's safe to go home?" she asked Elliot.

He hesitated. "Cragen's gonna want her to be debriefed on the explosion…" His voice trailed off. "I'll cover for you," he told them both. "Get going before they try to stop you," he advised.

"Thanks," Alex and Olivia said in unanimity.

The drive to Olivia's apartment took scarcely ten minutes. They kept up their silence, choosing to speak in each comforting touch. Alex's fingers encircled Olivia's forearm, gripping her sleeve tightly. It was frightening to see Alexandra Cabot in this much pain, this much panic. It was utterly unnerving.

"Here we are," Olivia spoke, mainly for Alex as she unlocked the door to her apartment, swinging open the door. "I know it's not as big as yours, but it works…"

Olivia's apartment said 'Olivia Benson' as plain as day. It was plain and simple, yet exotic. Alex smiled as she peered into the kitchen; a beautiful amethyst colored flower grew from a china cup in front of the window.

"An orchid?" Alex asked faintly, smiling a little.

"Um…it's whatever the florist picked when I gave her the description 'a nice flower.'"

"Descriptive," Alex complimented, sounding more like her old self. "I'm sorry I'm not going to be more fun tonight, but I'm really tired."

"I know, you should get some rest. Do you want to just sleep in my room or…"

"Where else would I want to?" Alex asked, grinning despite her fatigue. She followed Olivia to her bedroom and promptly began to undress herself until she was down to a gauzy white camisole and a pair of lavender panties. She looked up through her silken hair to see Olivia watching her.

"Where should I…" Alex gestured to her face.

"Oh, over here. There's a clean washcloth on the bar," Olivia told her. Alex splashed cold water on her face, watching the grime leach away in reverence of the crystal clear spray. She toweled her face until it was crimson from abrasion.

Olivia knelt over Alex, pulling the cool sheets over her, smoothing a lock of hair from her face. Alex smiled, and inclined her head to meet Olivia's lips halfway.

Alex placed her thin frames on the table beside Olivia's bed and turned out the light. Olivia kissed Alex's forehead. "I love you," she said softly.

"I love you," Alex replied, enfolded in her warm embrace. Here was the happiness she needed at the end of a wholly disastrous day. Soothed by Olivia's deep breathing, Alex was lulled into a sweet sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

Ugh, I'm really depressed right now. Midterms start in a little over a week, which means I have to actually devote time to school. Funny concept. The higher powers have thus deemed school afternoons 'study time.' Hopefully, I'll still be posting, but I don't know how often. Well, don't be sad, cause I have a few chapters planned out already, so it won't take long…I love you guys, by the way. You make my day [:

"Initial report from the bomb squad. Turned up evidence of C4 and part of the detonator in the debris field. They believe that the trigger was rigged to the ignition. The explosive was placed under the driver's seat." Elliot's voice was bitter with contempt for the perps they sought out. This one was personal; one of their own was being targeted, therefore it affected them all.

Alex and Olivia were barely at the precinct on time; they had called Elliot to escort them over to Alex's apartment so she could change, then they'd both escorted her to the station. Elliot was a terrific escort; he kept his hand on his gun constantly, shielding Alex with his tall frame. They'd all rushed in, exactly on the hour, to meet Munch, Fin, and the Captain, who cut them some slack considering the events that had occurred the previous night. In fact, he was surprised to see Alex period. Then again, they all knew she was safest at the precinct, surrounded by the cops who knew her well.

Cragen broke in, his face grim. "Every bomb-maker has a signature. FBI lab is running the individual components through their database looking for a match."

"It doesn't matter. We know who did it. It's Cesar Velez fixing things for Zapata. The more important question is, how did Velez know Donovan was the CI?" Alex asked, the one question that had mystified her since learning that Donovan was targeted as well as herself.

"Same was he knows where you live and where your mother lives," Munch deduced sympathetically. "He's got the money and the power."

"And he's not gonna stop until you're dead," Elliot added, giving her a significant look.

"I have a protective detail, my mom has a protective detail. I'm not backing off." Her words were forceful, adamant. Her was the strong willed Alexandra whom Elliot had dubbed 'Queen Marie' upon meeting her for the first time. They all knew her like this, driven to the point of recklessness by her will to finish the job.

Olivia's face betrayed the ache she felt inside as she heard Alex's famed stubbornness. "Alex, there's no reason for you to die for this case!"

Alex met her gaze, her eyes wild as well as soft and full of love for the beautiful detective. "Men like Zapata and Velez live on other people's fear. It doesn't matter if I try this case or somebody else in my office does. The intimidation is always there. So I can either accept it as a part of my job or concede everything. But I don't want to put any of that on you. The DA's office has investigators."

"Who are a bunch of punks. I'm in," Fin put in, nodding forcefully.

"So am I," Munch countered heartily. Olivia nodded vigorously, as did Elliot.

"Okay." Alex took a breath. "Let's start by dragging in every single guest from Zapata's little boat party. Somebody knows about Livia's murder." Adrenaline began to rush through her blood as it always did when they were piecing together a decent case for her to prosecute. This was the high she needed to keep focused and not think about the events of the passing evening. This was the distraction she craved (though Olivia's proved much better whilst they were alone).

Cragen, who'd been quiet up until that moment, spoke up. "Alex, can I see you in my office?"

She nodded, offering a last look at Olivia. He closed the door and turned to her.

"I figured you were too gung ho to let this die." The words were gruff though admirable.

"Don, I appreciate the concern," Alex thanked him.

Cragen reached over and pulled out a small revolver. He held it out to her. "My old service revolver. It's a straight shot. Won't jam up. I had the license division expedite a carry permit for you."

Alex was blown away. "Without my signature?"

"Your prints are on file," he answered, his way of letting her know exactly how much he understood what it meant and that he wanted her safe. Cragen answered the phone. "Hello? Yeah, she's here…I'll let her know."

He hung up. "Boss's looking for you," he told her sympathetically. Alex nodded, turning to leave. On her way out, she looked back.

"Don?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks."

…

Alex was looking forward to Zapata's reaction in the courtroom. As much as she disliked the case that had dumped gasoline over her life and lit the match, revenge was always sweet. Especially the legal, tricksy sort.

"At this time, Your Honor, the People are unable to proceed and are asking that the indictment against Rafael Zapata Gaviria be dismissed with leave to re-present." Alex hid her smile; she knew what was coming. Olivia, Elliot, and Hammond had figured it out; they were all in attendance as the case was closed. Instead of smiling with pleasure, she pasted an appropriate impassive look on her face.

"The charges are dismissed, Mr. Zapata. Court is adjourned." The Judge banged her gavel sonorously.

Zapata shook Lionel Granger's hand, his cunning grin decidedly evident as onlookers in the audience congratulated him.

Here's the kicker, Alex thought to herself as Zapata turned to go. Undetected by Zapata, two suited U.S. marshals rose and blocked him as he made to exit and celebrate his freedom. One flashed his badge, the other cuffed Zapata who protested in outrage.

"U.S. Marshals, Mr. Zapata. You are under arrest for the murder of a federal agent. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you."

As he was escorted smoothly out of the courtroom in cuffs, his dark, menacing eyes found Alex's gleaming blue eyes. He mouthed 'bitch' at her, his lips spitting the words.

As for Alex, she smiled grimly, a little wave of the fingers to accentuate her pleasure. He struggled against the grip of the marshals, but they held him fast as they led him out of the courtroom to the nine by eight cell he'd soon occupy.

Three cheers for sweet revenge.


	19. Chapter 19

Grab your tissues, ladies and gentlemen. This is the scene we've all wished never happened. But you have to lose a little before you gain, so Olivia and Alex will get a BIG treat for their sufferings. And I mean big… ;)

"Well played," Elliot applauded Alex as she walked into the squad room. Munch and Fin joined in, clapping, along with Olivia, of course.

"We're gonna get drinks on the corner. You in?" Fin asked, looking expectantly at Olivia, Alex, and Elliot.

Elliot nodded, and Olivia and Alex murmured their consent. They all walked out of the precinct, lighthearted in knowing that the threat was over. This was the closure they'd been longing for. They could all get a good night's sleep by now, knowing that their much-loved ADA was no longer in danger.

Midway through drinks, they were pleasantly surprised by the appearance of Cragen, the creases in his forehead a little softer, the smile lines a bit more prominent. He was clearly pleased with the outcome of the case, even more so to have it all be over.

"The FBI connected the car bomb to Zapata. He's gonna flip on Cesar Velez. If the DEA can get an indictment, the Colombians will arrest Velez and start the extradition process."

Alex looked up from her glass. "What does Zapata get for his troubles?"

"A reduced sentence and a new identity in Scottsdale, Arizona, probably," Fin guessed scathingly, taking a long swig of Corona.

Munch snorted, palming his gray-streaked hair. "If he lives that long." He downed the rest of his beer, and rose to his feet. "And on that note I'll say goodnight." Regarding Fin, he added, "You have to give me a ride early tomorrow morning. You need some sleep."

"You need to hire a driver," Fin retorted, reaching for his heavy leather coat and getting up.

They all said their goodbyes to the two as they exited the back in unison. Cragen also rose to his feet. Patting Alex on the arm, he said, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye," Alex replied, sipping her drink slowly. Her lack of enthusiasm must have been written all over her face, because Elliot faced her, and spoke.

"Look, we had a good run. Conviction rates are up. We had to get screwed sometime," he rationalized.

"Cesar Velez can probably do more damage to Zapata now than the justice system ever could," Olivia joined in, her deep brown eyes glowing.

Alex sighed. "It just — I never seems like enough, you know. The feds will get Zapata for killing Donovan. But what about Livia Sandoval? She dies without any justice and we're supposed to be happy about it? We tell ourselves that we speak for the victims, but we don't. We can close cases. But the victims, even if they survive, their lives are ruined. I just get so sick of it." It was the longest speech she'd ever given outside of work to either of them, and they were all silenced by the gravity of Alex's truth.

"Alex, we can't always win," Elliot said gently after a moment. His eyes were kind.

"But that's just it," she told him. "Even when we win, we don't." She sighed. "Come on, let's get out of here."

They all got to their feet concurrently, paid their tab, and walked side by side, up the steps and out into the street. The air was cool; Alex could see her breath as they emerged into the nighttime city.

"Get you a cab?" Elliot offered.

"No, I'm not far. I'll walk. Thanks, though. Look, I'm sorry I'm such a buzz kill," Alex apologized. She knew she was hardly a joyride after a wearing case like this one.

"Oh, don't be silly," Olivia laughed lightly. "It's late."

They'd all been so absorbed in the conversation that none of them noticed the dark SUV driving up alongside Alex. Ordinarily, it wouldn't raise any sort of suspicion, but as the car slowed when it reached the three, they all looked up. The window rolled down, and out of the corner of Alex's eye she saw a very familiar object: a gun.

The first shot echoed an earsplitting crash; then there were bullets everywhere.

"Get down!" Elliot roared, hitting the ground to shield himself from the rapid fire.

Alex, terrified, saw Olivia get down beside him, and she moved to drop down to Olivia's defensive posture, but suddenly, she felt a weight slam into her right shoulder. Gasping, Alex began to scream, but she couldn't find her voice in her throat. She couldn't breathe. Darkness swam at the corners of her eyes, and all she knew was she was falling, falling until she collapsed onto the concrete backwards.

She perceived the yell of the gunman ("Go, go, go!") but it was muffled as if through a sealed door, like that of an interrogation room. Alex could only see the yawning indigo sky above her; she couldn't move, couldn't feel anything but the upsurge of pain overwhelming her. She couldn't even cry; the tears were frozen in her glassy eyes.

Elliot was running towards the SUV as it bolted away, speeding precariously down the nearly empty street. His efforts were in vain; the car sped down a little alley and away faster than he could even begin to round the corner. On the cold concrete of the sidewalk, Alex struggled to move, to gesture to Olivia that she wasn't okay, she was hurting, and she didn't know what had happened.

"Alex." Olivia's voice was alert and wrought with disbelief. She crawled over to Alex, and immediately saw the dark blood that had seeped through her shirt and was pooling on the pavement.

"No. No, no, no, no, no, no." Alex tried to focus on Olivia bending over her, but the vision reeled before her eyes. Olivia's fingers grasped the wound, holding the blood back in vain, but it was no use; Alex felt the cold taking over her. It was so cold here – all she wanted to do was to let go, to surrender.

"Somebody call an ambulance!" Olivia screamed hoarsely, her words summoning Alex back to the horror of this reality. "Call 911 now! Alex. It's okay, Alex. Alex, look at me."

She tried but it was impossible. Alex couldn't even close her startlingly blue eyes. Olivia touched Alex's corn silk hair that billowed out, a soft carpet for her head. The tears were seething in Olivia's eyes, threatening to rain onto Alex's deathly pale face.

"It's okay, sweetie. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me, Alex. They're coming right now."

Elliot came sprinting back to the horrific sight of Olivia cradling Alex who lay small and white on the ground, trying to staunch the blood that rushed from her veins. The right sleeve of her shirt ran scarlet with blood. Her agony was palpable.

"You're gonna be okay. Alex, you're gonna be okay. Look at me. You're gonna be just fine. You're gonna be just fine. Now, just stay with me."

Olivia shot Elliot a fleeting look, her tears betraying her eyes and came streaming down her face. He'd never seen her in this much anguish, and it tortured him as much as the sight of the beautiful Alexandra lying broken tortured her. "Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex. It's okay. Look at me. Look at me," she pleaded desperately. "I love you," she whispered, pressing her lips to Alex's forehead.

I love you, too, was the last thought to grace Alex before she slipped away into the shadows. I love you, too.

_A little fall of rain_

_Can hardly hurt me now_

_You're here_

_That's all I need to know_

_And you will keep me safe_

_And you will keep me close_

_And rain will make the flowers grow_

~Les Misérables Cast "A Little Fall of Rain"


	20. Chapter 20

I'm sorry, but I don't know how often I can post at the moment. I got "grounded" and can spend fifteen minutes on the computer every day. BS, obviously, but the higher powers are impossible to undermine. Anyhow, thank you for all of the lovely reviews. You guys bring a smile to my face (which is rare, considering midterms are in less than a week D:) By the way, I LOVE YOU, GWEG for leaving your awesome hat at my house!!! It made me happy Well, anyways, enough of my ranting. Chapter 20.

Olivia paced anxiously in the sterile white ER, her footsteps echoing eerily in the quiet space. She and Elliot were alone except for a heroin thin boy with a purple shock of hair sporting a deep gash across his cheek. Just another drug ridden street fight gone badly. Typical. Elliot wrung his hands beside her; he'd tried countless times to talk, but nothing could placate her. Only one person could fulfill that need.

They'd tailed the ambulance desperately, Elliot driving in a shocked silence; Olivia sitting beside him with her arms crossed and cold tears streaming noiselessly down her face. He'd called Cragen to apprise him, and he'd passed the word onto Munch and Fin. They were all en route, and would arrive at the ER any minute.

As if psychic, Captain Cragen, Fin, and Munch burst through the doors of the ER, startling Olivia from her repetitive idiosyncrasy. Their faces all matched Olivia and Elliot's: pure and absolute terror.

They were all quiet for a moment as reality kicked in calculatingly. "Is she…?" Munch managed faintly

Elliot stepped forward. "They're trying to remove the bullet," he replied quietly. "He put her chances at fifty-fifty."

They were all quiet. There was nothing to say, nothing to do but wait and see. Cragen went over to Olivia and placed a hand on her shoulder. She looked up, her beautiful, dark eyes swimming with tears.

"She's a fighter." She wasn't sure if the words were for his benefit or hers. Cragen nodded, as if in conformation. "She'll make it."

Olivia nodded. She took a seat for the first time in a stiff-backed chair, taking in the unfamiliar antiseptic smell. The squad looked unbelievably out of place, their black leather coats (or in Cragen's case, a suit jacket) stood out in dark contrast against the bleached walls.

A door opened and a doctor walked out backwards, consulting a clipboard.

Cragen stood. "Excuse me, doctor. We're here for Alexandra Cabot."

The man glanced at Elliot and Olivia. "How long ago was she brought in?"

"About an hour ago," Olivia answered, her words issued imploringly.

"I'll check," he informed them, disappearing behind the treacherously swinging doors. Olivia resumed her manic pacing, like an imprisoned animal. All she wanted was to see Alex, to tell her she was sorry. For not getting there in time. For not pushing Alex out of harm's way. For not taking the bullet herself, for God's sake.

A moment later, he returned. The man's eyes were sympathetic, his words gentle. "I'm sorry. We did everything we could."

Olivia staggered backwards, the words hitting her like blows to her chest. No one said anything; they all stared. "No," she murmured. "No." Beside her, Munch, Fin, Elliot, and the Captain lowered their heads, afraid to say anything that would prove that this nightmare was real. Elliot tentatively put his arms around Olivia.

She resisted at first, but then her body shuddered and she collapsed into his arms, sobbing silently. His embrace wasn't the one she sought comfort in, his light brown eyes not the same as the startling blue. His hair was razor short as opposed to long, silky blonde. He didn't smell like peppermint, he didn't wear diamond teardrop earrings, and his voice didn't make Olivia want to melt to the floor. Elliot was no Alex. But he was all she had to cling to, and she buried her face in his jacket.

"I love her," she cried softly, only for him to hear. "I really do."

"I know," he said quietly, his own voice broken with loss. "I know you did." The past tense struck her, his finality sinking in.

She couldn't think of anything that hurt more than her heart being ripped from her chest. Everything that she'd said to Alex, every word – of love, of anger, of innocence – all of those she'd lost. In one night, she'd gone from sky high to crashing at terminal velocity. There was nothing she could do but to surrender to the brokenness that'd tumbled down around her.

…

Elliot had insisted on driving Olivia home that night. They both knew he didn't trust her alone, but that was the closest he'd get to ensuring her safety.

"Sleep tight," he'd instructed her. She'd consenting, the smiling waning from her lips as he left her apartment, leaving her alone in the darkness to battle her own demons. Or, rather, those of the woman she loved.

Olivia couldn't feel anything other than the hole in her chest that Alex had so fully satiated. Olivia had never exposed herself so willingly to one person in such a short period of time, and she didn't realize how much the blonde occupied her life.

Her apartment bore traces of Alex from the night before when she'd stayed over: the discarded shirt the blonde had forsaken on the floor, a strand or two of silken blonde hair curled in her hairbrush, the lingering smell of peppermint.

Will you haunt me? Olivia asked Alex, feeling the cold tears shame her face. She felt weak and small, and so she let the tears come for the millionth time in one night. There was nothing left to be done.

…

Morning was supposed to make everything seem brighter, better, more vivid. As the sunlight drifted towards Olivia's pillow, she felt anything but better. Nothing would change the fact that Alex was dead. There was nothing left for Olivia, no purpose. Life was only worth living if you had someone to live it with you. And she was gone forever. Nothing would ever mean anything again. After losing that much, how could she ever feel whole again?

_Why not one more night?_

_One last kiss goodbye_

_My sweet love tonight_

_I hope the stars still spell_

_Out your name where you are_

Alesana 'Early Mourning'


	21. Chapter 21

I want to take this moment to thank my brilliant and beautiful reviewers, readers, and fans. Without your input and encouragement, I would've stopped updating ages ago. By the way, for those of you who are curious, I slightly edited Chapter 7 – nothing you need to reread, but I realized I slipped and put 'March' in as the month rather than 'September,' which it was on my timeline. I'm getting ahead of myself here…anyways; enjoy this post.

The sleepless, mournful Olivia was a disservice to the vibrant, alive Liv of a day and a half ago, before everything changed. She'd lain in bed since Elliot had driven her back from Bellevue, only getting up twice, once to drink a glass of water, the other to answer Cragen's call telling her they all could take a personal day, considering they'd all been at the hospital late, or early, really.

The crackling emanating from the speaker beside her door startled her. She'd been awake since five that morning, dragging herself out of bed to desperately try to hide the bruise-like dark circles saddling the hollows beneath the rims of her eyes. Needless to say, Olivia wasn't expecting anyone to show up.

Pressing a fingertip lightly to the 'speak' button, she answered, "Yes?"

"Liv, it's El. Open up." His tone left no room for arguing, so she buzzed him in.

He was at her door in an instant. Elliot smiled tentatively, but it wasn't a happy one. The grief they both felt freshly was reflected in the reassuring arc of his lips. The other night was still too fresh in their memories.

"How are you doing?" he asked quietly, stepping in. She just looked at him, her eyes frozen glassily with tears. "Right. Stupid question."

"Did Cragen call you?" she asked finally, running her fingers through her tousled hair. "My cell was off."

Elliot nodded vaguely. "He said he'll understand if we need another day off – all of us, Munch and Fin too – but the more information they get out of us, the easier it'll be to find the men who shot Al – who shot her," he finished, wary of speaking the name Olivia had whispered so many times, spoken so lovingly, said with such vividness.

"I'm going in," she told him decisively, brushing aside the memories, briskly reaching for her faded leather coat, and pulling on her black-heeled boots.

"Liv, you sure? You look like you haven't slept since we came home from the hospital, maybe you should…"

"El," she cut him off. "I will never forgive myself if I let him get away. It's already my fault she's…"  
A tear slipped down her face. "I have to find him. He took her away," she whispered, the hurt cutting through her words. Her unguarded, warm eyes were pleading.

Elliot hesitated, and then nodded. "Okay."

…

The picture in the paper did Alex little justice. The colors were bright and showy, and the illustrious corn silk hair was an unnatural yellow. Still, the face emblazoned on the front of the New York Ledger undoubtedly bore a perfect resemblance to Alexandra Cabot.

'No Leads On Slain A.D.A.' was the headline above the depiction. Elliot scoffed. 'No leads' was an understatement, at best. All they had was some black SUV. No description of a shooter, no witnesses aside from Olivia and himself, and no plate numbers or letters. The bullet that had embedded itself in Alex's shoulder was still waiting to be examined in Evidence, so they hadn't been able to determine casings or the gun it was shot from. They were searching blindly through a maze that somehow involved Rafael Zapata and Cesar Velez, eventually. Alex and Tim Donovan were the casualties who tied the package together.

They were all silent – Fin, Munch, who rarely shut up, Elliot, and most of all, Olivia – and they had been all day, up until the closing to the day. She kept gazing down at the black band covering her badge, a tribute they all bore to the beauty they'd lost. Though she wasn't an officer, they wore the black strips in remembrance, because Alexandra was as much a part of the team as they all were. Captain Cragen broke through their reverie as he strode in, his expression solemn. "We get a trial date on that Richmond case?" he asked.

Olivia looked up. "It's postponed," she murmured shakily.

"We're gonna lose that witness. She was already shaky to begin with," Cragen pointed out. It was all they could do, focus on work as usual, putting off the stain in the proverbial carpet that they kept dancing around.

Elliot broke in. " Well, nothing we can do. You got SVU cases being handled by ADAs from other bureaus. They don't give a damn."

An officer walked in then, intruding on their grief, and handed Cragen a slip of paper. He read it to himself as they watched his face turn to stone.

"Well, isn't that nice?" he muttered sarcastically.

Munch looked up at him. "What?"

"Rafael Zapata Gaviria was found dead in a holding cell awaiting a hearing. No witnesses."

Fin scoffed. "There goes Velez's extradition."

"I long for the old days when the government would just send in the Delta Force assassination squad," Munch ranted darkly.

The Captain turned to Elliot and Olivia. "DEA Agent Hammond wants to see you guys tonight," he informed them. He passed the slip of paper to Olivia. "There's the address."

Elliot was confused. "What for?"

"Something about closing out the case."

…

The address was along a dark and twining road in the middle of nowhere. Hammond was waiting, looking a bit haggard, and began walking toward them.

Elliot called out to him, "Nice location. Convenient."

"Sorry. Only way to do this."

Olivia spoke up for the first time. "Do what?" she asked. She didn't want to deal with any more getting jerked around when she could be at the precinct, helping to avenge Alex's death. What could this DEA agent offer them that preceded that?

"Wouldn't take no for an answer. Real pain in the ass, this one." Hammond's voice was laced with admiration and derisiveness.

Olivia was mystified. She and Elliot were in front of a government van, a dark one, with U.S. marshals surrounding it. One opened the back door to reveal a woman sitting there. A breathtakingly, beautiful blonde woman. Her light brown leather jacket was partially covered by the scarf concealing her neck and the sling around her right arm. Her eyes were a piercing blue.

Alex. Alive.

A million thoughts rushed through Olivia's head; shock, hope, relief, confusion, love. She locked eyes with Alex, reveling in the very much alive blue that made her want to melt, unsure of the woman who sat before her.

"I am so sorry about all of this," Alex whispered to Olivia and Elliot, her voice broken and faint. She was a whisper, a breeze that would pass by in the blink of an eye.

Olivia stared at her in disbelief, feeling the cold tears begin to slide down her face. She didn't care. All that mattered was Alex. "Your funeral's tomorrow," she choked, the sob she was suppressing contained in her throat.

"And you're both expected to attend," Hammond chimed in, unaware of the sparks dancing from the blonde and the detective. "For the time being, Ms. Cabot's better off dead. If Velez can get to Zapata, he can get to her."

Elliot found his voice, hesitant. "Witness protection."

The blonde nodded, wincing at the smallest movement. "Until Velez is extradited or otherwise dealt with."

"How long?" Olivia asked her, probing Alex's eyes with her own.

Alex didn't offer an answer, so Olivia knew there wasn't one. The tears ran rivers down her face, though she refused to cry out loud. Alex saw the anguish she was in, and discreetly reached for Olivia's fingers, interlacing them with her own. They didn't have the time or the place for the goodbye they both deserved, so they gazed into each others' eyes with the realization that they might never do so again.

I wish I'd told you sooner, Alex thought, her own dazzling eyes filled with tears. I should have told you every day how much you mean to me, how much I love you. And it's over now, and death would've been better than having to face life knowing I may never see your face again.

A marshal called out, "We're on the move. Sorry, folks. Move them out."

Their hands were torn apart as Alex was hurriedly ushered inside of the van. She looked as though she wanted to say more, her lips the beginnings of a silent 'I love you', but the doors closed with the finality of a life lost. Or two.

Olivia stood wordlessly beside Elliot, trying to forever commit to her memory the immeasurable blue of her eyes, the velvetiness of the silken hair. The feel of her soft lips, the raspberry scent of her hair, exquisite taste of her kiss.

You'll haunt me, Olivia told her silently, willing the words. I'll never forget.

The blonde, brilliant, beautiful Alex. The daunting, irrevocable Alex. A

Alex. Alex, Alex, Alex.

ALEX.


	22. Chapter 22

So midterms start tomorrow (sorry, I know I'm obsessing over them…:\) but regardless, I'll be posting. Don't worry, this story is NOT over (unless you want it to be) and I have many plans. After this posting, there'll be a time skip to eighteen months later (so we can get started on an Alex and Liv reunion in the episode "Ghost") but don't worry, I'll remind you at the beginning of that post. LOVE YOU GUYS – keep reading and of course, reviews, reviews, and more reviews I'm trying to get as much feedback as possible.

"Alexandra was a woman who believed in living life to the fullest, to never taking a single thing for granted. She was both selfless and gracious, in her work helping those who are affected by heinous crimes, and in her generosity to those who needed help of any sort. We need to take those same aspects that many loved about her and apply them to ourselves because that is the way we will remember her. Thank you."

The robed priest took a calla lily from a basket and placed it atop the ebony coffin situated in the middle of Alex's friends and family. One by one, each black-clad guest placed a simple flower at what they thought was Alex's coffin.

The SVU detectives went last, allowing the assembly to subside a little. Munch, in his dark suit and neatly combed hair, Fin, who'd at least worn a tucked in, buttoned down shirt, and Huang, serene and collected as always, all gently laid a flower on the casket. Captain Cragen wordlessly pressed his fingers to his lips and lightly touched them to the lid, dropping the lily beside them.

Elliot stayed beside the coffin for a moment, his eyes closed in remembrance of the woman who everyone mourned, the woman who was, in reality, very much alive. It was odd to be regretfully lamenting Alex when he'd seen her just yesterday, weakened by the bullet through her shoulder, but still, alive.

As Elliot passed, Olivia approached the coffin last, her fingers locked like a vise around the neck of the lily. In some ways, this was as much of a funeral as if Alex had really died that night. Either way, she'd been ripped out of Olivia' s life just as soon as she'd entered it. Seeing Alex that past night just reopened the wounds she'd hoped to mend.

Olivia tenderly placed the lily upon the others, a sea of deathly beautiful white flowers hiding the irrevocability of the dark coffin beneath them. She stepped away, feeling like an outsider amongst the crowd. The squad all stood together, their badges prominent and still bearing the black cloth bands that signified the death of one of their own.

A slight woman tentatively approached them, her eyes as tear filled as any other in the park for the funeral that day, though they were an awfully unusual shade of blue. A familiar shade of blue…

"My name is Adriana Cabot," the woman introduced herself. "I am – I was Alexandra's mother," she added in a quavering voice to them.

Cragen stepped forward immediately, an arm out as a gesture of comfort. "I'm very sorry for your loss," he told her, appropriate words to a mother who had just buried her child. "We all loved Alex very much."

Adriana Cabot nodded, delicately brushing aside a tear. "You must be Detective Benson – Olivia, rather," she said, smiling warmly at Olivia. "Alexandra spoke of you often. You meant a great deal to her."

Olivia cocked her head, weighing her words. "She meant a lot to me, too," she replied. The knowing look in Adriana Cabot's eyes threw her off balance, not so much by its intensity that favored her daughter's; it was a look that said 'I know more than you think I do.' Did she – could she possibly know about her relationship with her daughter?

"Well, thank you all. For what you did for Alexandra. I wish we could've met under…better circumstances." Adriana Cabot smiled faintly, and then promptly receded into the swarming cloud of grievers.

It began to rain lightly again, a spontaneous drizzle that had interwoven itself easily into the brisk morning. It was fitting, almost cliché, that it would rain, washing away all of the loss, the love, and the lies surrounding the alleged funeral. It was hard to mourn someone you loved, but it was a hell of a lot harder if they weren't dead to begin with.

Elliot walked up beside Olivia, his face impassive. "I miss her, too."

The words touched her, and she turned to him, her eyes filled with tears. "Am I ever going to see her again?"

He smiled imperceptibly. "If I've learned one thing working for her, it's that she doesn't give up. Ever. And if it's up to her, she'll be back. Trust me," he murmured.

She nodded. "I know." Though she wasn't sure if the words were meant for him or her, she said them anyways. Because she wouldn't make it without some shred of hope, however small, that Alex would come back for her. In inexplicable ways, she knew that their story wasn't over yet. Alex would come back to them, however long it took.

I love you, Olivia told her silently, directing her message at the partially obscured sun, hoping that the blonde was looking at it wherever she was. I always will. She thought of the way Alex looked, of her flowing hair, her beautiful smile. The way her lips formed a silent 'I love you' discreetly when Cragen wasn't looking. She remembered everything, and she would hold onto it. And with that, Olivia walked out of the park and drove herself home.

_There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive_

_Just open your eyes_

_Just open your eyes_

_And see that life is beautiful_

_Will you swear on your life_

_That no one will cry_

_At my funeral?_

~Sixx a.m. "Life Is Beautiful"


	23. Chapter 23

This lil snippet involves some first person narration, so bear with me. It's italicized, so it shouldn't be too difficult to follow. Let me know what you think Only two more days of midterms, and a Law and Order: SVU marathon on Tuesday on the USA channel. Yay! Wednesday, I have the day off, and Thursday, I'm cosplaying as L from Death Note. Party on Saturday with Lauraa and the guys – my week's going to be good…

…(About Eighteen Months Later)…

_There are times when I wonder if this was worth it. Every day, it hurts just enough more to make me question the choice I never really had, and it doesn't help to bottle it all up. There are days when I have to force myself out of bed, to put on the perfect face that'll get me through another day. I think of you in unordinary ways – at the florist's, the other day, I discovered a beautiful orchid, just like the one you were growing on your counter in your apartment. And when I was shopping to find a new coat, there on a rack hung the same old leather jacket you wear so fondly (has El made you get rid of it yet? I hope not. I wouldn't know…) I miss you in the way that hurts the most – I can't see you without risking my life. Hiding under this mask feels like admitting I value my own life more than being with you. Which is stupid, because we both know you would've taken that bullet for me, and I for you if the situation were reversed. I don't know, Liv, nothing is the same anymore. I wonder if you think of me like I think about you. I wonder if you still love me. I wonder if you've changed. I know I have…_

…

In the seclusion of midnight, Emily Hadley woke up screaming.

She hadn't had the nightmares since her first few weeks after moving to Wisconsin. At first, they'd haunted every peaceful sleep, seeping into her mind like blood on concrete. It took a while to rid herself of the aftershock of them; they lingered in her head long after she woke up.

Breathing heavily, she drew the sheets around her, convincing herself that she was here in this bed, not miles upon miles away lying for dead on a cold sidewalk. Emily absently rubbed her right shoulder, trying in vain to ignore the throbbing pain that had welled in memoriam.

She shook her head slowly, her shoulder length blonde hair tossed to the side by the little motion. She curled to a ball on her side, banishing the memory from her thoughts. Though she tried, nothing could prevent the truth. And for someone who'd been forced to avoid it for so long, she deserved her fair share.

…

_I think about the night I fell asleep in your arms. Of the way your arms felt around my waist, of your lips pressed against the curve of my neck. Of the way our bodies fit together in each other's embrace. It's one of the good memories, not tainted by that night. Monday, September 29__th__, 2003, the anniversary of my death. I still think about everything, about waking up to the world in pieces around me. I think about Agent Hammond, telling me that Velez had put a price on my head, and would stop at nothing to kill me, to make a statement. I think about your broken face when you found out I was alive, but wasn't coming home. I wonder what would've happened to us if we had more time. Even though we'd just became more than friends, I really think – or really hope – that we had something special. The sort of love you only get once in a lifetime, and only then if you're lucky. I love you, Olivia. I always had, since the day I met you, a defiant, passionate young woman, the only woman in the squad. You were always such a mystery. I wish I knew you better. I wish I had the opportunity to, before it all ended. I should've taken those chances before they flew away like freed doves. Like my dreams._

…

The morning brought disorientation, as always. Sometimes, she thought that when she opened her eyes, she'd see another place, an apartment she hadn't walked in for nearly two years. That first intake of early light was always the most breathless, but it wasn't worth the disappointment as Emily realized the empty house around her. It was disheartening to understand that, yet again, she was here, alone.

It was always about being alone. The first month or so was the worst – adjusting to a whole new place, without any friends, or anyone to confide in. She hadn't done anything but adapt to her new job, working for an insurance company. It was a far cry from the work she used to do, but at least she could continue helping people, though in an inadequately minor way.

The saddest thing was that even with the few people who she'd let down her guard with, they didn't know anything about her. She'd made a few friends in the office, and nice as they were, they could never know her secret, and that rifted any intimacy she'd intended on having.

The phone rang unexpectedly beside her, on the nightstand, the ring piercing through the stillness. Emily let it ring until her message machine picked up.

"Hi, this is Emily. Leave a message." Beep.

"Em, it's Jack. I was wondering if you had plans this Friday. Call me back." There was a pause. "Love you. Bye." Beep.

Emily turned her face away, tears of shame filling her eyes.

…

_It's pathetic, isn't it, that I've let him into my life. He was one of the first people I met when I moved. His name is Jack Grayden. He's a nice man; charming, clean-cut. I'm sure you'd hate him. Don't get me wrong, Liv, I don't love him. I'm not even sure if I like him. And I will always love you. But I'm – I'm so scared sometimes. That night left me broken, and he was the only one here who stayed around to pick up the pieces. I needed someone to hold me, to soothe me when I woke up screaming and crying after seeing that gun pointed at my heart in my dreams. And Jack was there. I always used to think I could make it on my own, but it was too hard. I've had to swallow my pride and rely on him. It's a side of me no one will recognize. I've changed, Liv, and I don't even know if you'll want me anymore. It's okay, if you don't. I know it isn't fair to expect you to wait around for me to come home, but I can hope, can't I?_

_I love you. I never stopped loving you._


	24. Chapter 24

MIDTERMS ARE OVER!!!!! I know you guys are all rolling your eyes at this (considering I've dragged you through my boring little updates on how many are left and all) but this means more writing, less studying my ass off (though I didn't do much of that, really, which leaves my grades to be a bit lacking…) Well, anyways, here's the part two to my eighteen months later update. You already have Alex's P.O.V., now here's Olivia's…

…(About Eighteen Months Later)…

_It feels like it's been ages, maybe millenniums, since I last saw your face, as if somehow we've both traversed across both time and space in our respective directions, never looking back. In reality, it's been just less than two years. I remember everything about you, even the little things, like the way you'll slide a piece of your hair behind your ear when you're anxious, or the way you'll look sideways at someone when you're judging their reaction. You crashed into my life suddenly, like a piece of the sky falling to earth, mystical and wonderful, and you disappeared just as unexpectedly. I'll never fail to recall those memories I have of everything. It's like you're burned into my head, a slideshow of recollections that runs in a loop. Just when I think that I'm over you, that I've moved on, it all comes back to you. Don't get me wrong, Alex, I love you. You know that. But I need to stop living my life thinking that you'll magically float back to me. That Velez will drop dead. That it'll be okay again. Because it won't, and we both know I need to wake up from that fairytale. Though if I had to bet on it, you're the closest thing I have to one. In reality, drop dead gorgeous girls would never fall for me, if they had common sense. Then again, as Munch would most likely agree with, you never had much of that either, sweetheart._

Alone in her empty little apartment, Olivia Benson awoke with a start, feeling herself succumb to a slow sense of awakening.

She'd been dreaming – nightmaring? – again, the same dream that'd interwoven itself in her sleep, twining and conniving its way into any semblance of rest she had. Not that she was surprised; she'd often had nightmares, but this one she hadn't had since the month after that night. Each new reverie left her cold and shaking, one palm upturned, reaching to staunch the flow of blood leaking from the woman who wasn't really there.

Olivia groaned and sat up in bed, palming her longish, tangled locks. Reading the clock, it was only seven, the stifled light barely hindered by her thick curtains. There was nothing that could stop the day from coming, already ticking out another sixteen or so hours she'd have to live through with a smile painted convincingly on her face. Another day to face without…

She pulled the covers to her neck, sighing without any sense of discretion. She had a half an hour before Elliot would come pick her up and insist on taking to eat, at a little diner where he'd unsuccessfully try to casually slip in a query as to how she was doing. He lived for those big cover ups to an innocent little question he had to ask. And she'd smile back and say she was fine, and out of respect for her, they'd both pretend they didn't need to talk about it, when in fact, they were both so shattered after that cold September night that they needed that closure. But, as always, they focused on the job at hand and kept it light, refusing to stray from the constant, easy little things they could deal with. It was all about constancy.

_I used to miss you because you'd been torn right out of my life with a brief explanation and an even briefer goodbye. But now, it's the little things I miss. Our new A.D.A., Casey Novak, from white collar, has taken on your role passably, but she doesn't bring that passion, that willingness to do anything to nail the perp. She's all legality and rules, never bending them as I remember you fondly exercising often. It's not the same when she leans on my desk while being briefed on the latest case we have by Cragen, because it's not you. Or when we all go out for drinks with the guys, it's fun with her but she seems so innocent, almost like a child, as if she doesn't fully understand the impact of our work or of the brutality of sex crimes in general. Then again, we all thought that about you in the beginning, just a bit. I mean, there you were, fresh out of law school, in your mid twenties, and flawlessly beautiful. You looked like an empress, and we all took bets that you were far too sheltered to last in the inhospitable world of sex crimes. But, as you always do, you struck us with your determination, with you fervor, with your dedication to what you did. And that's what I love about you, Alex. It doesn't matter that you aren't here now. I'll always wait for the day when I can look up from my desk and see you walking confidently in again to grapple over some trivial little warrant. That's when I'll know this is all worth it._

Olivia pulled the brush through her hair, combing each silky strand so that it fell in a wave to her neck. She dabbed a little perfume, lily of the valley, at her wrists and the hollow of her neck where the amethyst of her necklace fell. At the sound of the intercom, she immediately buzzed Elliot in.

"Hey," he said softly when he'd arrived at her doorstep. He locked eyes with her, his expression wary of her impassive face. "You ready?"

"Yeah," she replied, glancing around. She stepped out and followed him, down the stairs and into the new day of a waiting world.


	25. Chapter 25

Thank you so much for the reviews! Keep it up, guys, I love your input. Don't worry, the reunion between our lovely ladies will be really soon…by Chapter 30 I plan to reunite them, if not sooner. By the way, for those of you who haven't seen the movie 'Avatar' yet, go see it!!! Best freaking movie ever. After you see it, our world looks so non colorful. LOL, enjoy. I love you guys.

Cragen was waiting for Elliot and Olivia as they traipsed in, clutching identical coffee mugs. "We got a call from Brevet Investments," he informed them solemnly. "A woman was found dead with signs of sexual assault was found in a storage room by several employees. It was violent." He paused. "I've already called John and Fin; they're heading there as soon as they're finished dropping Travis Park off at lockup. I need you guys down there, to talk to the ME, and to begin the preliminary investigation." Cragen's concerned eyes lingered on Olivia, as they always did, before he disappeared into his office, the door rattling shut.

Elliot turned to Olivia. "I'll drive," he stated, putting a brotherly arm around Olivia. "You okay? You look spacey."

She shrugged, inexpressively trying to come across as nonchalant. Like Elliot didn't already have enough on his place without having to worry about her. "I'm fine. I just had a really weird dream last night."

"Yeah?" His lip cricked up.

She rolled her eyes, allowing a little smile to flash across her lips. "Absolutely not the same kind of dream you were thinking of."

…

Brevet Investments wasn't hard to find, a prominent building that Elliot navigated easily. They walked beside each other, striding in to find Assistant ME Fielding already observing the body, while another low ranking officer photographed the body under his scrutiny. Olivia went over to him, trying to maintain calm while gazing at the victim, still beautiful even in death.

"He really did a number on her," Fielding commented. Elliot walked over to him to join Olivia.

"Elena Brevet, 27. Owns Brevet Investments with her husband. Raped and beaten, and then her throat was cut."

Elliot looked darkly at the woman's wounds. "Slashed her up pretty good."

"17 deep incisions, to her torso and breasts, pre-mortem," the ME elaborated, gesturing to the cuts, evident against the deathly translucence of her skin.

"Sounds like a sexual sadist," Olivia remarked. "Time of death?"

The ME pondered this. "She's in full rigor. Heat was turned down over the weekend. So I'd say no less than 48 hours."

Olivia, as always, kept her emotions in check as they hit her, full force, every time she saw a woman so full of life lying empty of it before her. As always, she felt a feral twinge of rage at whoever had brutally assaulted Elena, and she clenched her nails against the flesh of her palms.

"That fits the witness statements." They all turned to see Fin striding powerfully forward with several officers behind him, following in that puppy dog manner of new blood. "Victim was last seen Friday night."

"By who?" Olivia asked.

"Her secretary, Patty Kerner."

"They got any surveillance down there?" Elliot broke in.

"Cameras are downstairs in the lobby. None on this floor. Munch is looking at the tapes right now." Fin turned to who Olivia assumed was Patty, a petite, attractive young woman whose eyes were still distorted with tears. "Detectives Benson and Stabler are gonna talk to you."

Olivia smiled kindly at the young woman. "Hi." She pulled on a pair of elastic forensic gloves, a ritual she'd gotten used to eons ago. "Can you take us to Elena's office?" she requested gently to Patty, who looked shaken enough as it was.

Patty nodded slightly. "It's right down the hall," she pointed, leading them.

"What kind of investments did your boss manage?" Olivia asked her lightly. This woman was their initial link to finding the bastard who'd killed Elena, and they needed answers as soon as possible. Elliot trailed next to her.

"A private hedge fund. 700 million in assets."

Barely containing a low whistle, Elliot asked, "How's business?"

"Last year they posted 20 percent returns," she replied as they all entered Elena Brevet's office. It was stylish, simplistic – typical, nothing out of the ordinary there.

"That's 140 million profit. Pretty impressive," Elliot commented.

Olivia lifted a framed picture off of the sleek desk. "Is this the husband?"

Patty assented. "Jason. Real style selection couple."

"Tell us about Friday night." The two detectives listened attentively, ready to write down anything they might need.

"Um, Elena was supposed to go to Miami for a client's party, but she had to finish the quarterly reports. Jason flew without her at six o' clock."

"What time did you leave?" Olivia asked the young woman.

"Around eight. She was still working, so I – I offered to stay, but she told me to go home."

"Her husband still in Miami?" Elliot asked Patty.

She reached for a scheduling book. "Let me check. He was booked to come back last night." She suddenly began to shake. "Oh god," she moaned, her voice quavering. "He doesn't know…"

"We'll take care of that," Elliot assured her, attempting a soothing tone. He nodded to Olivia, motioning for her to follow.

"Thank you for speaking with us," Olivia said softly. Patty nodded, her cheeks shimmering with tears. Her face was broken, tortured by what she'd seen. It was a look Olivia had seen before, once, in a different woman's eyes. After seeing Tim Donovan get blown to pieces, it was the same look she'd seen in _her _haunted eyes…

"Liv?" Elliot called, and with a final look at Patty Kerner, she stepped out to follow El to Elena and Jason Brevet's house, washing away the memories as soon as they'd arose in her thoughts.

…

Olivia and Elliot slid out of their seats, opening the doors to Elliot's car. "There's no missing person's report on Elena Brevet," she pointed out to Elliot, voicing an anomaly she'd realized since finding out Elena Brevet was married. "Strange that the husband wouldn't file one."

Elliot shrugged. "Marriage isn't perfect," he reminded her, and she smiled sadly, as Elliot was absolutely one to know. "Jason could've pulled an OJ. Then flew to Miami to set up his alibi."

"It's hard to believe that the husband would torture her like that," Olivia observed skeptically.

"Rage makes people do crazy things."

They approached the steps, nearly tripping on a neatly stacked heap of papers on the stoop.

"Weekend paper's still here," Elliot observed. "Maybe he stayed in Miami." He realized the door wasn't locked, and whistled to get Olivia's attention. She looked up at him, her sidebangs falling in front of her questioning eyes.

"Door's open?" she said in disbelief, peering in.

They decidedly walked in quietly, both on guard. Olivia could feel the hairs at the back of her neck prickling at the tension in the air. The house was oddly quite empty, and the air felt cold and still. No one seemed to be at home.

"Mr. Brevet, police," Olivia called, keeping the tremor out of her voice.

"Luggage is here," Elliot noted, examining the bags by the door.

"Hello? Anybody home?"

She looked at Elliot, who cocked his head towards the living room. "Liv," he said quietly, motioning with an incline of his head.

She followed his line of vision to see the back of a man sitting in a straight-backed chair. Jason Brevet?

"Mr. Brevet?" Olivia called out to him, her fingers resting lightly on her gun belt. There was no response, not even the slightest indication that the man in the chair had heard them.

They approached the man slowly, circling around to face him forward. Olivia immediately wished that she hadn't…

The man lying in front of them was indeed Jason Brevet, or was. His once handsome face was bloodied, the eyeballs popping out of his skull, bloodshot and haunted. Stab wounds were scattered all over his body, leaving the blood to leach freely from his veins. His formerly expensive looking shirt was torn roughly open, and his wrists were bound so tightly to the arms of a chair that they were bleeding and raw.

"Tortured like his wife," Elliot managed to say, staring in disgust at the handiwork of their perp. Olivia looked away from Jason Brevet's horrified expression, boring into her eyes. She wondered if he'd known about his wife before he'd died, or if he was the first. She wondered how it would feel to die knowing your wife was already dead. She wondered if that made it any easier.

…

Nearly a thousand miles away, Emily Hadley sat in her empty room and looked longingly at the photograph in her hand. It was the only thing she had that reminded her of the past she'd never wanted to forget, the one memento Hammond had allowed her when she'd moved. In the picture, a beautiful, expressive woman with wide dark eyes smiled sweetly, her lips parted as she began to speak. It'd been taken in an expensive penthouse apartment, on one night that Emily couldn't have forgotten. She traced the familiar lines of the woman's face, the graceful smile, and a tear found its way down her cheek.

Oh, Liv, she thought. I miss you so much.


	26. Chapter 26

I'm sorry for the lateness of my last posting D: My computer wouldn't upload the file to my account, I dunno why….Oh well, well I'll be posting more regularly now I think so we should be good. Well, I can't wait until we get to the reunion of Alex and Liv, but for now, enjoy the technicalities of SVU that we all love. For those of you who remember 'Ghost', here's where we first meet Antonio. Read and Review!!!! 3 Love you.

It took hardly fifteen minutes for the forensics team and NYPD officers to arrive, sweeping onto the scene with the swiftness of a summer monsoon, gathering all the evidence they could find. Olivia and Elliot stood to the side, watching the other officers clean, swab, and test every inch of surface, using their proficiency for details to fully cover the crime scene.

A forensic tech stepped up beside the pair. "Field tested the blood around the chair. Same type as the victim."

Elliot nodded; there was nothing unexpected. This wasn't a first time offender. There was still a shot on the forensics of the house. "Our perp leave anything behind?"

The tech shook his head. "No prints here or at the office. Killer knows forensics, whole place was wiped down with bleach."

"He was just as careful with the body. I haven't found any trace evidence," the ME reported, wiping his gloved hands against his coat.

"Who was killed first, Jason or Elena?" Olivia broke in.

"Elena," the ME informed her. "Jason's been dead for only about twelve hours."

She nodded, digesting this. So Elena was the first victim, then the perp went to her home and found Jason. However, that left a large gap between the couple's deaths. Why hadn't Jason called his wife while he was in Miami? And why wasn't he in Miami when the killer had come knocking at the door? There were more than a few things odd about this double murder; that was definitive.

"Well, his plane got in from Miami at ten last night," Elliot put in, clarifying. "Same cause of death?"

The ME nodded agreeably. "Yes, his throat was cut. There's also trauma to the back of his head."

"So Jason comes home, the perp blitzes him, drags him to the chair, tapes him up…"

Olivia spotted an evidence bag out of the corner of her eye and lifted it her brow furrowing as she took in the lettering emblazoned on the object. "Monogrammed keychain, E.B. – Elena Brevet. Bastard took her keys to let himself in."

Elliot turned to her, his face taut with antipathy for the perp. This was more than some random, drugged up street murder. This was personal. "The guy waited all weekend for Jason to come home?"

"He tortured the both of them. Had to be looking for something," she replied.

"Detectives," the forensic scientist called. "I think he found it upstairs."

Olivia and Elliot exchanged a quick look and followed him upstairs to an expensive, sleek safe wide open and gaping.

"Built in safe," Elliot said aloud, grimly.

"Not just any safe," the forensic tech added, a bit of admiration coloring his instructive tone. "The Yates 6000. Totally pick-proof."

"He tortured Jason for the combination, then cleaned him out," Olivia summed up, tucking a lock of hair behind one ear.

The tech nodded. "I'm hoping the gas chromatograph might tell us what was in there."

"How do you test for what's gone?"

"New technology. Lets us analyze trace odors, fragrances, chemical vapors. Every chemical or organic compound has a unique olfactory profile."

The tech began to download the intel he'd collected onto a glossy new laptop, analyzing. A few disjointed taps, and he smiled broadly.

"That's the signature."

"Drugs?" Elliot asked curiously. Was this just another deal gone badly?

The tech shook his head. "No, that's the smell of money. Well, specifically, the dye in the ink. From the concentration of the sample, had to be a few cubic feet of cash."

Elliot and Olivia simultaneously sucked in their breath. Elliot spoke first. "Even in small bills, that's got to be at least a million bucks."

The forensic tech nodded approvingly. "Looks like that's your answer."

…

After being back at the station, it was apparent that the Brevets were not the classy, educated couple they appeared to be, after financial records had revealed the investments company was nothing more than a dolled up con job.

"So all those huge profits were phony?" Olivia asked disbelievingly. When they'd visited the company after Elena had first been found, it'd seemed clean and legitimated. Little had they known that Elena was more of a Bernie Maydolf than a wealthy young woman.

Munch nodded amiably. "Yeah, they'd take money from one client's, pay another's dividends, take the rest for themselves."

"And one of their 'investors' got pissed off, bad enough to kill 'em," Elliot surmised.

"They're laundering drug money?" Fin queried.

Munch grinned. "Yeah, and skimming it, too. From one guy in particular, a shell company out of Columbia called Casa Vega Enterprises."

"Check with narcotics, see if Casa Vega rings any bells," Cragen ordered, his face somber.

Fin considered this. "I got a guy over there we can trust."

"Let's go," Olivia told them, and slid off of the edge of her desk where she'd been perched. They nodded and followed her as she headed into the blazing sunlight.

…

Within the hour, they had the name they needed. Detective Sandoval, Fin's contact in narcotics, had led them on the right path to the man who made investments in the Brevet Company. This, their only lead, was what had brought them to the front door of the Montoya family.

Olivia had fallen back, to a crouch by the door, leaning flat against the wall. As Elliot, Olivia and Michael Sandoval's shared nod, Sandoval kicked the door open roughly and they entered.

"Guess no one's home," he called. "Senor Montoya! Policia."

"Mr. Montoya," Olivia called gently to the seemingly empty, dark house. "Police."

They all looked around at the din, when suddenly, Olivia saw it.

Two bodies lay sprawled on the couch in unnatural positions, clearly dead. The gunshot wounds were evident against the dead translucence of their skin. Blood branched off in little tributaries down the slant of their limbs, accentuating the lost life.

Elliot followed her gaze, as did Sandoval. Both took in sharp intakes of breath.

"Dead," Elliot said with finality.

"But not for long," Olivia pointed out, from her position by the couch. "The bodies are still warm."

"In here," Sandoval called from the back of the house, down the hallway into another room. Olivia followed the call of his voice until she saw the continuation of the horror in the living room. A small boy lay in a little bed, a pillow obscuring his face and a gunshot evident through the stuffing.

Sandoval's face was twisted with disgust. "Bastard kills a kid, doesn't even have the balls to look at him," he snarled, looking down at the small boy. He lifted up the pillow. There, upon the boy's head, was a bloody wound. Olivia looked away, unable to keep staring at the curve of the boy's cheek distorted with blood.

Suddenly, the boy groaned, a low moan that came out weak. It was barely a sound, but it was surely enough to get the attention of all three detectives. "Oh, my God!" Sandoval yelped. "Call for a bus!"

…

She let the tears fall down the slant of her face, feeling the warmth against her cheek when all she felt was emptiness. There was nothing but emptiness, and she was all alone.

Emily cried.


	27. Chapter 27

Ugh, I got grounded last night so I couldn't watch the premiere of Lost. So now I'm way behind, so I need to watch tomorrow on Hulu or something. I'm sorry for the somewhat shortness of this, but a longer update will DEFINITELY follow. By the way, THANK YOU so much for those of you who are supporting me. I love opening my email and getting alerts to your amazing reviews, and I couldn't have come this far without you guys. I love you, and long live us crazily obsessed A&O fangirls (and fanboys of course) who are out there.

The little boy's name was Antonio; Antonio Montoya, as they'd found out. He was a sweet kid, with a soft, round face and sparkling brown eyes, so dark they seemed black. Olivia and Elliot had relied on Sandoval to converse with Antonio, who spoke primarily Spanish. They'd been shocked and relieved to find out he wasn't going to suffer any permanent damage from the bullet that had silently entered and exited his skull, almost like the hit man who'd killed his parents.

The only lead they'd obtained from Antonio was that he'd been shot by a 'fantasma,' a ghost. That obviously wasn't any sort of legitimate lead, so they were covering every avenue, scrambling to pick apart the pieces of what the Montoya family had left behind. Cragen had pulled John and Fin to investigate anything possible along with Olivia and Elliot. They all were piecing together the double murders. Somehow, the frayed threads of the Brevets and the Montoyas were linked together, and they needed to hurry find the connection before it was too late.

"Hey," Olivia called to Elliot in the hallway outside the forensic crime lab as he waited for her to receive the ballistics report with him.

"You ready?" he replied, opening the door. She nodded, entering alongside him to find Sandoval and the forensic tech standing together. They all exchanged assorted greetings.

"Ballistic results from the Montoya homicides," Elliot remarked to the forensic scientist, who agreed with a brisk nod of his head.

"On the left, the bullet taken from Mrs. Montoya," he pointed out, gesturing to the misshapen, dull slug. "Three twists and a left groove. On the right, the slug taken from Mr. Montoya."

Which meant nothing, just that the bullets were shot from the same gun. "It's the same gun, it makes sense that they're identical," Olivia commented, confusion leaching through her voice. What was he getting at?

"Now look at this." He waved to a third bullet, just as ugly and misshapen as the other two. The grooves along the sides of the slug were exactly in alignment with the bullets found in the skulls of Mr. and Mrs. Montoya.

Sandoval spoke up. "It's a perfect match. Same triple twist. Is that the bullet from Antonio's bed?"

The tech shook his head. "No. From an unsolved homicide."

"Which case?" Olivia asked.

He tapped intelligently on the computer, coming to the title page of a file. Olivia looked closer, observing the fine type and nearly gasped aloud. At the top of the file, plain as day, was a name she knew all too well, a name she hadn't spoken in nearly two years.

"Murder of Alexandra Cabot," Elliot murmured faintly in wonder, staring as dumbly as Olivia was at the screen, as if looking at it would make it disappear. His mouth formed a perfect 'O' as he realized the meaning of the words he'd spoken.

Olivia could hardly breathe; she felt her throat tighten and hurriedly looked away as she felt the stinging tears fill her eyes. So this was the man who'd been in the car that night, who'd shot the bullet into the blonde's shoulder, the one who'd caused this nightmare she'd been living in for the past eighteen months. This man's gun had nearly ended Alex's life, and here he was, back on the radar, to bring her back.

Sandoval looked utterly nonplussed at the reactions of his fellow detectives. "Who's that?" he asked interestedly.

"Our old ADA," Olivia murmured after a moment. It seemed inappropriate to refer to Alex in that way, as simply a former colleague. The term hardly appreciated the weight of the way in which Alex had become their former ADA in the first place.

Elliot was looking at her with concern, his hands reaching out to grasp her shoulder, and she realized the tears were streaming down her face blatantly.

"I can't do this," she whispered, bolting away from them, wrenching open the door and running with no sense of direction away from the truth that was crashing down on her before sinking to the floor and crying into her hands.

…

Emily lay on her back on the bed, playing with a lonesome blonde lock that was tickling her collarbone. She knew there were lots of things she could've been doing, but none of them bore any more meaning than blankly staring at the boring white walls that surrounded her.

They said this was better than dying – but was it really? This was a prison, the confines of a reality she was trapped in. She didn't know what was going on in her real home. She didn't know what had happened to her mother, her family, her friends (few that they were), Olivia. God, Olivia. What if something had happened to Olivia? How would she even know? It wasn't like Hammond was one for chit chat, especially about her former life, and the most telling thing he'd said about New York referred to the weather.

It was killing her to do this, to stay here when her life belonged at home, in New York. But what life was that? Olivia might have moved on, found someone, started a life. It wasn't like Emily had expected her to wait around for nearly two years waiting for a woman who might never be coming home. It wasn't like she even had a life there anymore.

There was nothing Emily wanted more than to go back. But in some ways, Alexandra Cabot had died that night she'd been shot.


	28. Chapter 28

School dance last night :D It was actually very cool; it was pretty much a rave. I got to dance with an insanely hot girl, which made my night 3. Nothing much new going on here, just the usual art class this morning then chilling with Lauraa and the guys. What's up with you guys? Seriously, I'm curious. Is school going good? (If you're in school). Chapter 28, please read and review. Love you guys.

Elliot knelt gently beside Olivia, prying her hands away from her face. "Hey," he murmured, taking her hands in his. "You okay?"

She laughed bitterly, wiping at her eyes with her sleeve. "Are you?" She shook her head. "It's been eighteen months of not knowing when I'll hear her name again. Eighteen months of not knowing when she'll find her way back into my life. And now, we're working on a serial murder case, and suddenly, her name pops right back up on our radar. Just like that." She leapt to her feet, brushing off her jacket. "Forget it. Let's go see Cragen. I'm sure he's going to make this case our number one priority now."

"Liv," he called to her gently. She kept walking, her arms folded tightly around herself, shutting him out. "Olivia!" Elliot caught her hand as she started off down the hallway. "You can't just walk away."

She looked back, the tears still tracked down her face, the etchings of a broken woman. Her face was open, raw, and Elliot realized he'd never seen her this torn up. "What am I supposed do?" she asked quietly, not waiting for an answer before wrenching out of his grasp and slipping away in more ways than one.

…

"Alexandra Cabot was prosecuting a rapist who worked for Cesar Velez, the narco baron. Velez ordered the hit on Cabot and blew up DEA Agent Tim Donovan who was working the case with us," Cragen summed up grimly. They were all at the precinct, gathered around the Captain as he reviewed the case.

"The ballistics match to the weapon used in the Cabot homicide is our link between Velez and the Brevet-Montoya murders," Elliot brought up. It felt wrong, almost criminal, to consider Alex a homicide victim. But his and Olivia's promise to Hammond and Alex obviously stood precedent over small formalities such as these.

"And we believe Elena and Jason Brevet embezzled a couple of million dollars from Cesar Velez. Sergio Montoya was working as their middleman. When Velez found out he was getting ripped off, he ordered the hit," Olivia added, trying to wipe the feral loathing off her face as she spoke Velez's name.

"And the hit man was good. He left zero forensic evidence at the Brevet and Montoya homicides," Fin put in.

"Our best lead is the security footage from Brevet investments," Munch deduced. "We've excluded over two hundred employees, messengers and janitorial staff. We got about seventy five subjects left to identify."

Cragen acknowledged this. "We got a lot of names," he admitted. "All the employees at Brevet. Everybody involved in the money-laundering scheme. Somebody has got to connect back to the cartel…"

…

The International DEA Office was the optimal place to uncover their link, so Cragen sent Olivia, Elliot, and Sandoval over to check on everyone. But after several hours of fruitless searching, they were all frustrated.

"This guy really is a ghost," Sandoval complained, running a hand through his hair after reaching the end of their list that had yielded no results.

The DEA official who'd led them through their search turned around suddenly. "What'd you say?"

"Our kid witness, said a ghost killed his parents," Sandoval explained.

The man was persistent. "Say it in Spanish, El Fantasma?"

"Why does that mean something to you?" Olivia asked him, her curiosity getting the best of her stony silence.

"El Fantasma. The Ghost. Contract killer. Name comes up in dozens of assassinations in Bolivia," the man in informed them, his eyes alight with wonder.

"What do you know about him?" Elliot asked professionally, jumping at the possibility of a real lead.

"Real name's Liam Connors," he told the detectives. "Born in Belfast. I.R.A. hit man. Did some time in the Maze. Disappeared from Northern Ireland about five years ago. Resurfaced in Bogota."

Sandoval was confused. "What's an Irish guy doing in Columbia?"

"Since the cease-fire in Northern Ireland, a lot of out-work I.R.A. guys are down there training narco terrorist groups, helping them combat US anti drug activity."

"So why is Connors called a ghost?" Olivia asked, her fingers sunk in the belt loops of her work pants.

"Because he walks through walls to get his targets," he replied. "No one sees him coming, no one's left alive to see him leave."

"Except our kid," Elliot concluded. "I'm gonna go back to the squad. Get everyone on this Connors," he ordered, turning to go.

"We gotta ask Antonio if he can describe his ghost," Olivia said, tossing the words over her shoulder as she left.

…

Olivia and Sandoval opened the door to Antonio's room to find him playing with his toys. The little boy's face lit up to see Sandoval.

"Hola, Tonio. Como estas?" Sandoval greeted, his voice rich with his first language.

"Muy bien, Senor Miguel. What's your name?" Antonio asked of Olivia with mild, childish interest.

"Olivia," she replied in the sweet, gentle voice she reserved for children. She was, as Elliot put it, their "in" to get information from child witnesses, because they favored her gentle, maternal manner. As much as she hated to admit it, she did have the skills to be a mother.

"I remember you."

"Good," she told him. "Because we need your help, Antonio, to find the person who shot you."

He nodded compliantly. "Okay."

"How did you know that it was a ghost in your house last night?"

"Mommy said so. She was screaming. That's why I woke up."

"Tell us what mommy said," Sandoval urged soothingly.

"El Fantasma." The boy's voice quavered a little. "Asesino."

"Murderer," Sandoval translated softly, the word meant more for Olivia's benefit than Antonio's.

"And then I heard the gun," Antonio concluded.

"What happened next?" Olivia asked. She was somewhat amazed that this boy, at only eight years old, could discuss the facts so blatantly without breaking down. He was resilient, strength she'd learned to admire in people.

"The ghost came into my room and shot me."

"When the ghost came into your room, were your eyes open or were they closed?" Olivia asked.

"Closed," he told her decisively. "I was scared, so I pretended like I was asleep." Somehow, his head on gaze had faltered a little, the clean-cut honesty falling a little flat.

"I know it was scary, Antonio," Olivia said gently, reassuringly as he bit his lip. "But I think you might have taken a little peek."

He nodded, eyes down ever so slightly. "Just for a second."

"Would you recognize the ghost if you saw him again?" Sandoval asked Antonio.

Antonio shook his head rapidly, his eyes wide and fearful. "I don't want to. He'll kill me."

"It's okay, Antonio," Olivia assured him. "We're not gonna let that happen. The ghost can't hurt you." She said the words with meaning in them. They weren't going to let it happen because they'd failed once before. They'd failed to protect the victim last time Liam Connors had surfaced. Olivia spoke the words of reassurance, a prayer for absolution for her failure.

She could see the choice forming in his eyes as he mulled her words over slowly. "I know what he looks like," Antonio said.

"Thank you," Olivia whispered. She meant it.

…

Antonio's lead had paid off. It had led them to the rental car, to the warehouse they were all outside of. Olivia, Elliot, Sandoval, and a whole crew of officers were outside, Kevlar vests strapped on tightly, tensed for action. Olivia could feel her blood boiling with desire to seek out Connors, to demand the justice she deserved. She wanted to scream at him, to tell him just how much she'd lost because of him. Just how much that now, she'd have to live without.

She wanted revenge.

Elliot had taken her aside before in the precinct, when they'd gotten the intel on Connors' whereabouts. He'd told her not to do anything stupid, to let the officers handle the operation. Like hell would she stand by and watch them do her job. She had personal stakes in this; she would do the job better than any of them.

And here they were, outside, ready to prey.

"Ready?" an officer asked them all. "Hit it!"

An officer slammed his shoulder into the worn door and it flung open.

"Go, go, go, go. Police!"

They swarmed in, like locusts over a field. The warehouse was dim and unlit, but Olivia could make out the distant form of a man running up a flight of stairs.

"Connors," she breathed, already running full-tilt towards him.

"Seal off the outside!" an officer yelled in response. Connors jumped from the roof to a platform and from there, hit the ground running, his footfalls light against the pavement.

"Get the car," Elliot ordered Olivia, and she complied, nearly wrenching the door off its hinges. She flipped on the siren and started the ignition, speeding down the street. She could make out Elliot and Sandoval pursuing him on foot. Connors reached the Canal and lurched over the side without a second thought. Elliot followed, hot on his heels, vaulting over the side merely ten seconds after.

"We're in pursuit of homicide suspect Liam Connors," Olivia shouted into the comm. Link to the teams. "Heading south along the Canal. Headed south," she repeated, slamming it down. Shit.

Elliot rounded the corner, gaining on their perp. He was close, his fingers within reach of the other man's jacket. Suddenly, he fell back as Connors struck him with a piece of lumber, knocking the wind out of him. Elliot grunted, staggering backwards.

"You okay?" Sandoval asked him, breathless, slowing to check on the detective.

"I'm fine! Go!" Elliot ordered. "Go! GO!"

Olivia continued down the road, turning sharply to keep up. Damn, this man could run marathons. He wove in and out of cars, dodging them easily. But so was Sandoval, right on his tail, his legs pounding the pavement as he kept up with Connors. He leapt forward, taking the Irishman down in a tackle, bringing them both to the road.

Connors was stung by the blow, but recovered quickly. He drew back his arm and struck Sandoval in the face. Sandoval could feel the explosion of heat in his mouth, his jawbone snapping back from the force of the blow. Connors was up again, running away as quickly as he'd been brought to a halt.

"I see him! He's heading for the Carrol Street Bridge!" Olivia yelled into the comm. link. She sped up, cutting him off at the edge of the bridge and getting out of the car, her gun raised high, trained on him. His back was to her, facing the drop from the bridge to the ground. Elliot and Sandoval were right beside her, also pointing guns at Connors' head.

"Connors!" Elliot roared. "Let's see the hand, Connors. Let me see your hands, now."

"Drink a mouthful of that, you'll die in a week," Sandoval commented grimly.

They were closing in on him, circling like a pack of wolves, alert of every move, every twitch. Connors slumped, his posture less on guard.

"I'm unarmed," he sighed in defeat, his thick accent slurring the words.

Elliot reached forward and roughly cuffed his wrists together, holding the man by the collar of his jacket. "Liam Connors, you are under arrest for the murders of Jason and Elena Brevet, and Sergio and Marina Montoya. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you by the court."


	29. Chapter 29

Ugh, I've been feeling shitty with a headache…I was SO tired after the Superbowl. So, anyways, here's my new update. By the way, for any of you "Lost" fans out there, I'm writing a story for Kate/Juliet. Kuliet? Anyways, let me know if you're interested, and I'll start posting it. Love you!

"Is he willing to testify?"

Casey's familiarly irritated voice was demanding and to the point, crossing her legs impatiently. She and Olivia were both crowded into the ADA's little office, which was pretty bare and empty, a good resemblance of their new ADA herself. They had Liam Conners in custody, but to go to trial and have a chance of incarcerating Conners, Casey knew she needed Antonio Montoya. Without him, she was, in short, screwed. "Because, as of now, he's our only witness."

"He wants to help," Olivia replied to the redhead. Casey was well meaning, as always, but she lacked any emotion in her queries and cared only to the letter of the law. If something wasn't legally relevant, it wasn't relevant, in Casey's book. "But he's also a scared eight year old boy. I think we need to make sure he feels safe before asking him to tell a courtroom about the Ghost in his room with the Ghost right there."

Casey nodded vaguely, crossing her arms. "Go pick him up," she ordered. "Bring Sandoval – Antonio trusts him. He's been staying at his cousin's, right?"

Olivia nodded. "I'll bring him down to the precinct first. Meet me there," she instructed, and Casey complied.

…

"Will the grand jury take long?" Antonio's cousin, Lena Delgado, asked the detectives. She'd arrived at the same time as Sandoval had, who currently was holding to Antonio's hand. Mrs. Delgado's home was a suburban style place in Staten Island, a contrast to Antonio's former house in the city. And maybe that was a good thing, considering what had happened there.

"Hour, tops," Olivia assured her, smiling warmly. "Then we'll take you home."

"Can I put the siren on?" Antonio asked eagerly, looking around. Sandoval chuckled, ruffling the little boy's hair a little. He'd admired Antonio's strength over the past few days, and his positivism. Most of the adults Sandoval knew didn't have the kind of resilience Antonio had.

"On the way home," Sandoval told him. "If you do a good job."

It was a nice day, unseasonably warm. They strolled down the front walk; not noticing the car coming up until it was there. A window rolled down, attracting the attention of both of the detectives, who were immediately on the alert even before a gun poked its nose out of the car.

"Gun!" Olivia screamed, and they all dived, scrambling for cover. She lunged for Lena, shielding her from the automatic machine gunfire that came, little bursts of sound that echoed hollowly as they glanced off every surface. With a sinking sense of déjà vu, Olivia tucked her head into her chest, praying for the gunman to run out before reloading another round.

Sandoval had gotten Antonio to the ground, covering him with his jacket as bullets ricocheted off of the house, carving out pieces of wood and tile.

"Go, go, go!" came the shout of the man in the car. Olivia looked up in time to see a black car rounding the corner, tires shrieking in protest to the friction. Sandoval looked up and met her eyes, a horrified expression on his face. He looked down to make sure Antonio was okay. The little boy was shaken, but unscathed.

Sandoval looked upon his own arm, and saw blood seeping out of a wound where a bullet had nicked him. Antonio looked up, his face tear streaked, and immediately burst into tears.

"You're bleeding," he choked out in between sobs.

Sandoval sat him up and hugged him, trying to comfort him. "I'm fine, Tonio. It's a little scratch. Nothing to worry about."

"Casey, for one, actually," Olivia responded grimly. "Her case was fragile enough already."

"And now she has no witnesses," Sandoval finished, smiling sympathetically. It just kept getting worse.

…

After Sandoval was patched up and sent home, and Antonio was sent into protective custody in the barracks, Olivia and Elliot went to break the news to Casey.

"What happened?!?" she asked them as she rushed to meet them in the precinct. "I heard there were shots fired..."

"An attempt was just made on Antonio Montoya's life as he was about to be brought here by Olivia and Sandoval," Cragen explained in his usual grave manner.

"What?" she asked in disbelief. "Is he okay?"

"He's fine, but your case against Conners just got a hell of a lot worse," Cragen replied. "Antonio wasn't shot at by Conners today, obviously, and we still don't have any evidence to implicate him in the initial shooting."

"He still needs to testify in front of the Grand Jury," Casey retorted. "His testimony should be enough. And we need to get him there soon, or I'll be late to court."

Cragen nodded. "Get Antonio there," he ordered Olivia, and she followed Casey out of the courtroom.

…

"You're late, Ms. Novak. It's three-fifteen."

Casey rushed up to the prosecutor's table, dropping her things haphazardly while Olivia carefully slid into a seat beside Elliot.

"I'm sorry, Your Honor, I was in the grand jury. They just indicted the defendant on all counts," she added triumphantly, shooting a smug look to the defense attorney, Roger Kressler.

"Fifteen minutes too late," he shot back at her.

"There was an attempt on the eyewitness' life. I think witness tampering is grounds for an extension."

Kressler scoffed. "My client's been on Rikers; he didn't shoot anyone. And I'm betting you don't have any proof of his involvement…" He let the sentence drift off, unfortunately making his point all the more evident.

"So, it's just a coincidence that Antonio Montoya was shot on his way to testify against the defendant," Casey stated, the words soaked in her famous sarcasm.

"You can call it whatever you like," Kressler retorted. "You still can't connect Mr. Conners to the shooting of your witness."

"I'm sorry, Ms. Novak," Judge Preston said, directing her words to Casey, who internally groaned. "I can't grant an extension without proof of the defendant's complicity in the shooting. The people have failed to meet the deadline. I'm ordering the defendant be released until after the trial."

"Your Honor, Conners is a flight risk," Casey argued. "If you let him go, we will never get him back."

"I give you my word, Conners will make all of his court appearances," Kressler said patronizingly, trying to suppress his self-satisfaction at yet another successful win.

"I would like something stronger than his word," Casey said grimly. She could tell she'd lost at Judge Preston's ruling, but wouldn't back down.

"I'm sorry. You're free to go, Mr. Conners." The gavel plummeted to the bench.

Olivia exchanged a look of disappointment with Elliot. They couldn't lose Liam Conners; he was their only link to Cesar Velez. And if they lost that, the chances got a million times worse for Olivia. She wasn't about to give up everything right there! She wouldn't let him slip past them again!

"Arrest him."

Olivia looked over to Casey, who was intently regarding Judge Preston. Olivia raised her eyebrows – what was the redhead planning?

"Your Honor, my detectives are here to re-arrest the defendant," Casey affirmed.

What the hell are you doing? Olivia thought furiously. As much as she wanted Liam Conners arrested and safe in lockup somewhere, they had no evidence to re-arrest him. What was Casey thinking?

"On what charges?" Roger Kressler asked, outraged, his words mirroring the thoughts in Olivia's selfsame head.

Casey swallowed, knowing that from here, it was all downhill. "The murder of Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot."


	30. Chapter 30

So my Lost story has been going interestingly, but I'm not posting anything yet. Anyhow, this chapter's a really important one, especially for Liv and Alex, so enjoy Read and review, please please! I love you guys

After Conners had been wheeled away by Elliot and taken to the lockup, Olivia approached Casey who was packing up her things. "What the hell were you thinking?"

The redheaded ADA looked up from her things and met Olivia's intense gaze. Casey raised her eyebrows at the detective's urgent tone. "Keeping your perp in custody?"

"We're going to have to sign an affidavit charging Conners with murder. I can't do that."

"That's usually how it's done," Casey informed her briskly. "What's the problem?"

There was nothing Olivia would've liked more than to tell Casey off right there and then, and let her know exactly what the problem was, but instead she shook her head, biting her tongue against the waterfall of words that would fall from her mouth. "Nothing," she told the puzzled ADA, walking off to meet Elliot back at the precinct.

If, of course, nothing equated to perjury and risking her career. Then, yeah, it was nothing.

…

Captain Cragen was sorting through paperwork, at the end of yet another day, when DEA Agent Hammond burst into his office, a thoroughly irritated expression spread across his face. It'd been nearly two years since Cragen and Hammond had crossed paths, and again, their meeting wasn't on light and happy terms. Not at all.

"What the hell are you people doing?" Hammond demanded without a hello or an apology for unwarrantedly barging in.

"Agent Hammond," Cragen greeted dryly, turning around to face the other man. "Most people knock first."

Hammond brushed the remark off easily. "You should have called me before your detectives arrested Liam Conners for the murder of Alex Cabot!"

Cragen sighed deeply. "Conners blew up one of your agents. I didn't expect flowers, but I thought you'd be pleased."

"If Conners goes to trial, I'm called to testify. What am I supposed to do?"

"Do your job," Cragen told him, mystified by this mix of fear and outrage Hammond was displaying.

"That's exactly what I'm gonna do," Hammond assured him darkly. "I just came to tell you that you're on your own. I'm not going to ruin my own career by committing perjury! Do we understand each other, Captain?"

Understanding, cold and exacting, washed over Cragen in an instant. The only way Hammond would be able to perjure himself was if Alex…

"She's alive?" he asked in wonder. "You son of a bitch. You stashed Alex in witness protection."

"You didn't know," Hammond said, affirming Cragen's assumptions as correct.

Cragen stormed out of the room to find the two that he knew would have known about this. He didn't know what he was going to say, but if Hammond was in deep shit, Olivia and Elliot were drowning themselves slowly.

It took barely five minutes to track them down and drag them to an interrogation room where he began rounding on them instantly.

"How the hell did you think you were going to get away with this?" he challenged, slamming the door with an echoing clank.

Elliot stepped forward. "Captain…"

"Forget your not mentioning Alex Cabot's alive," Cragen yelled, enunciating their former ADA's name drawing out the syllables.

"Captain, we couldn't," Olivia said softly, getting up from her seat. He looked to her, her eyes rimmed with tears at the mention of her name, then looked away, hardly even started on letting them have it.

"You signed an affidavit charging Liam Conners with her murder!"

"Staying dead is her only protection," Olivia argued fiercely. As hard as it was, she knew it was the truth.

"You perjured yourselves! That's a Class E felony."

Olivia and Elliot shared a look; this confirmed their fears. "We didn't know Novak was gonna force us to arrest him. Now, the only way to refuse was to tell her in open court Cabot's alive," Elliot contended.

Cragen sighed. "I know why you did it. But you can't send someone away for a crime they didn't commit."

"Conners kills for a living," Olivia told him. "We're in a position to stop him. Now, that's justice."

"So the ends justify the means?" Cragen asked her.

Olivia kept quiet, as Elliot continued to argue. Because, to a level, if there was a way, any way, to get Alex back to her, she'd take it. Without a doubt. Alex justified the means. And as long as she was the end result, it didn't matter what Olivia had to do to get her there.

…

Emily sat on the cold kitchen floor, wanting nothing more than to cry. It was one of those days when nothing had gone right, where everything seemed to be out to trip her up and send her spinning off her track. She shook her hair loose and pulled it out of her face into a ponytail, focusing on the simplest task to keep herself occupied, to not remember so much.

She looked up suddenly. A car had pulled into the driveway, its engine purring and then shutting off abruptly. Emily quickly pulled herself to her feet, scrambling to look out the window and see who was there. It might've been just a neighbor or someone turning around and leaving. Might've. Still, she pulled back the flimsy curtains. The car was silver, fancy, with New York plates. And there were two very familiar men stepping out of it, walking up to the door to greet her.

Emily whirled around and lurched open the door. Captain Don Cragen and Agent Brad Hammond stood there, very much a reality, Cragen's hand outstretched to knock. They both simply looked at her, taking her in, Cragen in utter incredulity. Seeing them there, living mementos of her past life, brought it all back to her so easily, for the millionth time that day.

Alexandra Cabot opened her mouth, stepping out of the door a little. "What happened?"


	31. Chapter 31

Sorry for not posting in forever D: I've been really intense about this other fic I'm writing, so it's been taking up a lot of my time. I'll try to update more often from now on. So, we're getting to the good bits of this, for their reunion, and such, so bear with me…enjoy ;)

"So this is what he looks like."

Alexandra Cabot sat on edge on the couch, facing her much-loved former Captain and Brad Hammond, staring in disbelief at the grainy photograph she held precariously at the tips of her fingers. They'd barely finished explaining their sudden appearance before Hammond had wordlessly placed it in her hands, after declining her offer for coffee, and Alex had known instantly, instinctively, who it was.

"Every time a stranger glanced at me, I thought, 'did he find me? Is he going to kill me?' And now I know." Alex sighed. "I would like nothing more than to see Liam Conners pay for what he did to me. But it goes against every principle I had as a lawyer to try a man for a crime he didn't commit."

Cragen leaned forward a little, his somber eyes meeting Alex's sky blue pair, leveling her gaze. "You know I didn't have a choice."

Alex shrugged in agreement. "I know you can't commit perjury – you're going to have to tell the court that I'm still alive." These words were surprising to Alex herself as she said them. For eighteen months, she'd felt as if she were dead, after all, after living in hiding for so long. But she was going to have to come out now. If Cragen told the Judge she were alive, Alex would have to go to New York to save their case. Because if he couldn't be held with murder, he could, however, be held with attempted murder. And that would involve Alex's testimony.

"I'm just sorry that the bastard won't have to answer for what he did to you," Cragen said remorsefully.

Alex raised an eyebrow. "Oh, he will," she declared in what Fin had called the 'lawyer voice.' "I want him charged with my attempted murder."

Hammond opened his mouth as soon as she'd gotten the words out. "No, you'd have to go back to testify," he protested. "That's stepping right back into the crosshairs."

Exactly, Alex thought. "For years I convinced attackers to face their victims; now it's my turn to step up." And she knew she needed to. In her heart, Alex longed for everything she'd left behind, and she'd finally found the road that would lead her back.

"Your testimony won't help the case," Cragen pointed out. "You can't ID Conners as your shooter."

Killjoy, Alex thought. "If I don't go back, the defense will issue a missing witness charge, and then you will lose your case," she countered, the familiar glint back in her eyes. Watch out, ADA Alexandra Cabot was back.

"But we still got Conners on four counts of murder," Hammond maintained, justifying.

Alex scoffed at this. "Because an eight-year-old boy has the guts to testify. After being shot twice," she pointed out, emphasizing.

"Alex," Cragen spoke softly. "If you go back, then they will try to kill you again."

She held his eyes, betraying the pain of the past eighteen months. "I have lost my home…my job…my friends…" And my Olivia, she added silently as an afterthought. Alex paused. "My mother died and I couldn't go to the funeral," Alex told them, on the verge of breaking down into tears at the reality of this encounter. "Liam Conners is not going to take my conscience, too."

They realized, by the ferocity in her gaze, that there was no arguing with Alex when she was this intent upon testifying. "Okay," Cragen said quietly. "We need to leave now."

Alex hesitated. She looked around the sparse, bitter emptiness of the house around her that was never really a home. At the lack of photographs, personal touches, anything that resembled that she was loved here. At the message machine, the blinking light signaling she had a message from a man who didn't even know her real name. There was nothing for her here, and she knew it too well.

"Okay," Alex agreed, keeping the quiver out of her voice, and rising to her full height. "I'll come with you."

…

"How pissed off is she gonna be?" Elliot asked in an undertone to Olivia. They were both standing Casey's office after she'd called Cragen, realized he wasn't in the office, and had left them a message to see her in her office.

"Pretty pissed," Olivia admitted. "We lied to her. She hates being lied to."

Elliot rubbed his jaw. It'd been a long day. "We were right though, weren't we? I mean, you don't' think we should've told her straight out that Alex was alive?"

Olivia shook her head. "If we had, it would have compromised everything we've done to keep her safe. We couldn't tell anyone, El. It was the only way…"

The door clicked and Casey breezed in, all red hair and fury. She wasted no time in rounding on them.

"We work together. You should have trusted me," Casey informed them, her eyes blazing.

"We made a promise," Olivia said gently. Through Casey's rough bravado, she could sense the hurt at being left out of the circle yet again.

"You hung me out to dry in court!" Casey retorted.

Elliot broke in. "We gonna need lawyers?" he asked her, pointedly changing the subject.

"I hope not…" Casey was suddenly fixated by something at the door, behind Elliot and Olivia's heads. The two turned around, to see what had caught her eye only to see a man and a woman step into the room. Olivia's jaw dropped subconsciously as she took in the sight, as if she'd seen a ghost. There was no way she was seeing what was before her eyes. It was a hallucination, a delusion, a mirage. It wasn't possible that Olivia was seeing the woman standing before her, smiling shyly at them all. It wasn't possible that she was seeing the beautiful cornsilk hair she'd ran her fingers through so many times. It wasn't possible that she was seeing those blue eyes that could cut you to ribbons, that flawless alabaster skin, those caressing fingers.

"Alex…" Olivia managed, and even then, she didn't believe.


	32. Chapter 32

Well, the Lost fic has been going good, though don't worry, I'm not quitting on you guys!!!! It'd been busy and long, but there's a LOT of femslash. I love LOST and have been obsessively slaving away, but I'm back to post for you! There's a lot in store for Liv and Alex, and without further ado, we return to their reunion…

…Where we left off…

"I hope not…" Casey was suddenly fixated by something at the door, behind Elliot and Olivia's heads. The two turned around, to see what had caught her eye only to see a man and a woman step into the room. Olivia's jaw dropped subconsciously as she took in the sight, as if she'd seen a ghost. There was no way she was seeing what was before her eyes. It was a hallucination, a delusion, a mirage. It wasn't possible that Olivia was seeing the woman standing before her, smiling shyly at them all. It wasn't possible that she was seeing the beautiful cornsilk hair she'd ran her fingers through so many times. It wasn't possible that she was seeing those blue eyes that could cut you to ribbons, that flawless alabaster skin, those caressing fingers.

"_Alex…" Olivia managed, and even then, she didn't believe._

…

Alexandra Cabot breathed in sharply at the sight of Olivia Benson. Her dark hair was a little longer, her cheekbones more gaunt on her face, her familiar full lips pressed together in shock. She wasn't surprised by Olivia's reaction; after all, they hadn't seen each other in almost two years. But that didn't stop her from wanting to take Olivia by the hand and kiss her right there, in front of Elliot and the gorgeous but pissy looking redhead who was presumably the SVU detectives' new ADA.

Of course, she was interrupted in her staring battle with Olivia, as Elliot's voice broke through, his voice hoarse and low. "You didn't have to come back," he told her, his eyes boring into hers, still unsure whether she was a mirage or was physically in front of him. She could tell, despite his words of warning, that he was unbelievably glad to see her.

Alex cricked up her lip. "I know," she assured him. "But who else is gonna get you out of trouble?" She grinned broadly at him, earning a chuckle from Elliot.

The redhead interrupted. "Before everyone gets reacquainted, they're waiting for us in court."

Suddenly, Munch and Fin were at the door, barging in. "Cragen wanted us to…" Munch stopped, breathless, at the sight of Alex.

"What the…" Fin muttered, staring in wonder at the blonde. The four detectives all continued to awkwardly gawk at Alex before Munch broke the silence.

"Teflon!" he cried, leaning in to give her a quick hug, clapping her on the back. Alex returned the gesture, welcoming the embrace from a member of her past life. Fin and Elliot joined in, whooping with joy that their beloved ice queen Alex was back to kick ass in their courtroom again.

As they parted from each other's arms, Alex turned to Olivia who was still standing outside the circle, looking at Alex as if she were merely vapor. "Olivia," Alex said.

Olivia swallowed hard, watching the beautiful blonde intently. Her stare was neither inviting nor dispassionate, but for the first time, Alex didn't know what to expect from the detective. What if Olivia didn't feel the same way as she had eighteen months ago? What if she had merely erased Alex from her life when she'd gone into Witness Protection?

"Olivia?" Alex said quietly. She didn't care about the male detectives all watching with an air of curiosity, or the redhead who was now looking really impatient. She had eyes only for Olivia, who looked close to tears.

"I can't believe it's you," Olivia whispered quietly.

"It is."

They stood there before each other, until they both simultaneously leaned in to hug each other tightly. Olivia pressed her face against the curve of Alex's neck, breathing in that familiar scent of peppermint she'd missed so much. The blonde clung to Olivia, feeling her soft-feathered hair brushing her cheek. "I missed you," Alex breathed into her ear softly, feeling the tears unexpectedly filling her own eyes.

Casey coughed. "Ahem. Court?"

Alex stepped back from Olivia reluctantly. "Sorry. Back to the old courtroom, huh? Who's the judge sitting on my case? I need to go say hello and let them know I'm not dead after all…"

…

Being back in the courtroom was a breath of fresh air for Alex. Everything was so familiar, it was like she'd never left, though it felt like it'd been excruciatingly long since she'd sat in one. Though it was odd to walk in and sit in the gallery while watching the defense attorney for Liam Conners, Richard Kressler, demanding the SVU detectives' arrests.

It was unnerving to see Liam Conners. At first glance, he was foreboding. The eyes were coal black and gleaming with unnerve as she danced into the courtroom, infamous blonde hair flying behind her. Surprisingly, Alex wasn't afraid, merely pissed off to see the perp who'd evaded Elliot as he ran after him that dark and horrific night. She leveled a cool stare in his direction and didn't look away. Of course, having Hammond flanking her with his gun half exposed by his suit jacket was a consolation but still. It paid to have a reputation as an ice princess to live up to.

Watching the redheaded ADA in court, whose name, Alex had discovered, was Casey, only left Alex itching to be back up there in the chair, prosecuting the cases she used to thrive on. She'd returned to her world to find it moving without her, and she longed to find her way back into the rhythm she was so accustomed to. She wasn't even used to her life spinning off its axis as it was already, and now, being back with the SVU detectives made it so much more apparent. She'd been gone for a very long time.


End file.
